


when it rains *muke*

by all_time_summer



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: 5SOS - Freeform, BoyxBoy, M/M, Muke - Freeform, mukeclemmings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-05
Updated: 2017-04-05
Packaged: 2018-10-15 02:01:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 31,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10548164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/all_time_summer/pseuds/all_time_summer
Summary: Michael was twenty one when he fell pregnant with Luke's son.Michael was twenty two when Luke left.Michael was twenty five when he lost everything.





	1. Part One: The Memories

"Hey, Mike?" Luke asked softly, causing his small boyfriend to lean his head up off of Luke's chest to look at his lover. Michael had always been much taller than Luke up until the previously shorter boys fifteenth birthday. Then he miraculously had a growth spurt and ended up being six inches taller than Michael. He had been teasing him about it ever since. 

The two were seventeen now, the perfect age for life to suck and school to seem like hell. But they didn't mind too much. They had each other to make life better. 

"Yeah, love?" Michael responded, still looking fondly at Luke. Michael was pretty sure he was almost more in love with Luke's nose than the boy himself. It was just so cute and boopable. 

"I love you" Luke whispered, giggling as Michael blushed madly. The purple haired boy pouted and slapped Luke's chest lightly. He did not enjoy being flustered, but Luke always seemed to have that effect on him. It was almost as if Luke had been sent from the heavens to make Michael grin, make his cheeks burn a deep red. 

"Quit being so fucking cute, it's making me sick" Michael whispered back, flicking Luke's nose, laughing as the blond winced and proceeded to complain for the next few minutes about how 'you never leave my nose alone, one day it's going to fall off' while Michael continued to watch Luke rant about his boyfriends childish antics. 

After a bit, the two quieted down and basked in the warmth their two bodies provided. The hammock they were laying in swayed a bit, and the lovers began to feel sleepy. An old clock went off somewhere in Luke's rather silent house, marking that it was now midnight. 

Michael cuddled further into Luke as his eyelids began to droop, and Luke wrapped his arms around his love, pulling their bodies impossibly closer. As Luke realized that the older boy was nearly asleep, he began to hum, attempting to help the insomniac get some much needed rest. 

A small smile formed on Michael's sleepy face as he heard Luke humming one of his favorite songs. Through Luke's quiet voice he could practically hear the words in his mind.

Before you shut this down  
I just wanna lift you up  
I'll take all this love I've found  
And I hope that it's enough

With Luke's soft voice, and the darkness and warmth of his lovers body so inviting, Michael finally closed his eyes and allowed his small body to completely relax on his boyfriend's. He let his heartbeat slow as he listened to Luke's, and fell in love a little more as Luke finished the song.

"Hey, Luke?" Michael whispered, eyes still closed and voice still quiet. 

"Yeah?"

"I love you too."

 

********

The lovely song I used is called "Only Love", the acoustic version, by PVRIS. Look it up, it's beautiful.


	2. Part Two: The Memories

Michael and Luke stood in front of a white painted door. Both were grinning, their excitement nearly pouring out of their smiles. They had finally managed to find a place for themselves. It was no longer going to be two teenage boys sneaking out their bedroom windows at midnight to meet. It was going to be late nights spent together in the privacy of their home. It was no longer Michael's house, or Luke's house, it was Michael and Luke's house. 

With shaky hands entwined, the two looked at each other one last time before Luke gripped the metal knob of the door and pushed it open. Tears sprung to Michael's green eyes as the empty apartment came into view. He was instantly in love with his new home, their new home. 

With the small cracks traveling up a few of the walls and the lightly chipped wooden floors, the apartment was the perfect place for the two teens freshly out of highschool. It was small, but not too small, but it had everything they needed. One full sized bathroom, two bedrooms, and a decent sized kitchen for Michael's love of cooking and baking, the two were ready for anything life could throw at them. 

"It's beautiful" Michael whispered, wiping at his eyes. He never knew how happy he could be just by moving in with the boy he loved. Luke felt the same, and quickly wrapped his lanky arms around his love, spinning around and pressing sloppy kisses to every inch of the blue haired boys face. 

Michael laughed and threw his head back, an amazing feeling flowing through his entire body. He was just so in love with Luke. 

And Luke. Luke loved Michael with everything in him. He wanted to go to college together, get their dream jobs and then every night they could go home and talk about their days and everything would be perfect. Maybe they could get a cat or two, and within a few years maybe they would have a couple children. 

Anything was possible for the two because they believed they could do anything as long as they had each other. They were nineteen now, and had loved each other for four years. Most of their friends thought their relationship wouldn't last longer than a few months, but Michael and Luke didn't doubt their connection for a moment.

As Michael walked around the small living room area, Luke watched his boyfriend observe the kitchen with such curiosity it was adorable. Michael was adorable. 

"Let's paint these walls green" Michael stated, pointing his small finger at the white walls of the kitchen, "It'll really brighten the place up."

Luke reluctantly nodded. "What shade of green do you want?" 

Michael thought for a moment before turning to face Luke. He studied Luke's face to make sure he didn't agree just to please the older boy, but after staring at his love for a few minutes he changed his mind. 

"Fuck green, I want the walls to be blue." He stated firmly. Luke rolled his eyes, but smiled. Michael was always changing his mind, but Luke didn't care. Michael could punch him in the face and Luke wouldn't mind. 

"Why do you suddenly want them blue?" Luke asked, just knowing that Michael wanted him to ask for a reason. The older of the two just smirked and slowly walked towards the blond, taking Luke's bigger hands into his own and swinging them around a bit. He lifted Luke's arm and spun underneath it, making him laugh a bit. 

"I've decided I want the walls to match your eyes." Luke blushed heavily and put his head down to hide it. But Michael wasn't having any of that. He reached for Luke's chin and lifted before bringing his face closer to his own. Pressing their lips together softly, they both melted into the sweet kiss and wrapped each other up in their arms.

They stood in the apartment of their new home and found a new way to love. With every kiss and every touch their hearts grew, and they were ready to spend forever together.


	3. The Memories: Part Three

With a hand over his heart and tears in his eyes, Michael stared at the small white stick in his hand with a grin on his blotchy face. The twenty one year old was unbelievably happy, he felt like the joy in him was going to burst. He was pregnant. He and Luke were going to have a baby. A child of their own, a combination of the two to shove their love. It would no longer be just Michael and Luke and their two cats, Coco and Daisy, but in nine months they would have a tiny and fragile baby to bring home. 

Michael put his hand on his stomach and rubbed it gently. There was a baby growing inside him. Within a short while he would have a baby bump, and not long after that he would be able to feel their baby kicking. Michael had always wanted to have kids and now it was finally happening. He knew he was ready. He was nearly positive Luke was ready. They had talked about having kids together for years, they just weren't sure when. Michael figured now was as good as ever. 

The red haired man carefully stood up from the hard bathroom tile and looked at himself closely in the mirror hung on the cream colored wall. He scanned over his own face searching for something, though he wasn't sure what it was. He figured he was looking for his favorite feature that he could possibly pass onto his child. I have nice lips, Michael decided. He hoped their child would have his lips. But more than anything, he wanted the baby to have Luke's brilliant blue eyes. 

The eyes Michael had fallen for when he was just fifteen years old. The eyes that had practically screamed their love for Michael for six years. The eyes that Michael was sure could light up the entire world. Luke's were beautiful and full of emotion and he could only hope their baby would be the same. 

Michael jumped away from the mirror when he heard a door creak open from down the hall. He grinned, Luke was back from a long day at work, and Michael was almost ready to share the news. 

"Honey, I'm home" he heard Luke call out into the apartment. He did that everyday when he got back and Michael thought it was adorable. Some things never changed in life and it was comfortable, comforting.

"Hello, love" Michael sung, flinging his body into Luke's arms and puckering his lips close to the blonds face, begging for a kiss. Luke chuckled at his boyfriend but took Michael's face softly between his hands and connected their lips, sighing in content because everything was perfect. Luke got to go home from his job everyday and have a beautiful boy fall into his arms, most times quite literally. 

"Let's get dinner started, yeah?" The blond asked and Michael agreed, giddily pulling Luke behind him into their light blue kitchen, just barely being able to keep the news inside. 

The two talked and joked while making dinner together, it was calm and serene. Ed Sheeran played softly in the background while they cooked, reminding them of their younger days. Days where they would both go straight to Luke's house after school and write music together until it felt as though their hands would fall off.

Michael and Luke had always aspired to be amazing song writers, and they always worked together. They would each write their own song, but the other would give them ideas so each song had a touch of each of them. It was their thing, and they both agreed that they would strive to be as good as Ed Sheeran, a man they had both loved for a long time. Instead of having a couple song, they had a couple artist, and they wouldn't have it any other way.

As the two finished making dinner and setting the table for two, Michael began to think. In a not-so-short length of time, they would be setting a table for three. There would be another spot for the new addition to the family. Michael thought it was wonderful, he wanted the table spots to slowly be filled up with their family. Michael knew he would want more children after this, he was positive. 

Michael looked up from his plate to see Luke eating his spaghetti quickly while playing on his phone. He wasn't very good at multi-tasking, and Michael giggled as he saw a bit of sauce on Luke's concentrated face. He smiled and grabbed his napkin, leaning forward to wiping it off of the blond's face. Luke look up and blushed, making Mike's heart swell. He just loved Luke so much. And he knew Luke loved him, so he decided it was time to tell him the news.

"Hey, Luke" Michael started casually, twisting his fork around his plate. Luke immediately put his phone down completely and turned towards the boy speaking, giving him his full attention. 

"Yeah, Mike?" 

"How would you feel about a new addition to the family?" Michael was trying to ease into it, trying not to immediately throw it onto his lover. 

Luke rolled his eyes with a grin. "We do not need another cat, Michael. We already have two that you can smother with love and affection." Luke was never really a cat person but he put up with their two because Michael adored them. 

"No, not another cat. I was thinking, you know, what about" he paused, panic slowly rising, "a kid?"

Luke almost choked. "Are you trying to tell me something?" He asked nervously, something that Michael had expected.

"I'm pregnant, Luke" Michael said with tears in his eyes, "We're going to have a baby."

********

Luke laid in bed later that night, currently alone as Michael was in the shower singing his heart out. His mind was racing and his heart was aching. He felt terrible for thinking it, he honestly did, but he didn't want a child. Not yet, anyways. He wasn't ready, for gods sake he hadn't even enrolled in a university yet. Luke had things he wanted to do with his life before settling down. He couldn't have a kid at twenty one. 

And it was eating him alive because Michael had been so excited about it. Luke knew he should be too, but he couldn't stop panicking. What would their parents say? Michael and Luke hadn't even been married yet. Luke's parents were strictly religious, how would they react to their son having a child before being married? And what about schooling? He couldn't keep his current job forever, but he needed a degree to find anything better. 

All of this was going through his mind, but he didn't let his concerns show around Michael. As soon as Michael had stated they would be having a child, Luke knew he had to do something. So he scooped Michael into his arms and spun him around, kissing his face and telling him how excited he was to have a baby. If he had received this news a few years in the future, Luke would have been celebrating, but those were not the circumstances. Michael was going to be popping out a baby in a little less than nine months, and the child was Luke's responsibility too.

But Luke knew he couldn't do this. He was too young and too scared to take care of a child of his own. He needed to go to school, and he couldn't let his parents find out. They would disown him for sure. Luke decided there was only one thing he could do. He knew it was wrong, but Luke couldn't throw his entire future away because he was having a child. He couldn't do it, and he only prayed Michael would forgive him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't put up a chapter in a while. I generally put this up on Wattpad. My username is the same.


	4. The Memories: Part Four

Michael smiled as Park babbled on, cute little spit bubbles flowing softly from his small mouth. The toddler suddenly looked up from his toy train, his gaze falling onto his fathers grinning face. The young child's smile grew and he reached his tiny hands out to his father to indicate that he wanted to be picked up. Michael immediately scooped up his pride and joy and peppered kisses all over his giggling face. 

"Happy birthday, Park" Michael whispered, wincing as the excited toddler pulled on his light blond hair. Sometimes Michael missed dying his hair but he was a responsible parent now, and that meant no electric blue hair for him. Sometimes Michael wished he had been a bit more careful because he wanted to be able to go out and do things like a normal twenty four year old, but he never regretted having Park. He loved him with all his heart. 

The now two year old grabbed his fathers face between his slightly sticky hands and pressed slobbery kisses all over Michaels forehead. The older man laughed and felt his heart swell. He fell more in love with his son everyday. It was hard to take care of Park by himself and work a full time job, but Michael made it work. He had to, he had no one else to help. 

"Dad?" Park asked, seeing that Michael's attention was not on him. Michael looked into his sons eyes and smiled, but the toddlers blue eyes still stung his heart a bit. No matter how much he loved Park, his blue eyes still looked so much like Luke's that it made Michael cry sometimes. He didn't need Luke at all, not in the slightest, but he wanted him. He wanted to have Luke back in his arms so much it hurt. 

But Luke was the one that had left him. Luke was the one that dropped off the face of the earth as soon as Park was born. Sure he helped Michael through his pregnancy, but the minute the baby came out he was gone. Luke didn't even leave a note explaining why he had left his son and fiance in a hospital alone. He just vanished one day, and Michael had spent the last two years crying himself to sleep asking why he hadn't been enough for his lover. 

Yet, despite the fact that Luke had broken his heart and left the memory of his beautiful blue eyes in Park, Michael still loved Park with everything he had. He had given up everything because Park was his child, and he would go to the ends of the earth for him. 

Michael snapped out of his state and gave Park a reassuring hug, promising his little boy that he was okay. Michael knew that he was loved, and he knew that he was strong, but he wasn't sure if he was okay. But Park mattered to him more than his own personal mental state did, so he would try to be okay to ensure his precious little Park was happy.

"I'm here, love" Michael promised, "I'm here." And that was all Park needed to know.


	5. Made Of Glass

"You don't know how to feel until the moments passed, I wish you'd live like you're made of glass" - 5am by Amber Run

Michael kept a tense and steady gaze on the rapidly cooling drink in front of him. He had come to the cafe after work hoping that a nice cup of hot chocolate would warm him up inside, but it was doing little to help the numbness that always loomed inside his chest. Michael had given up hope that it would ever leave his tired body and exhausted soul.

Michael had lost many friends to the numbness. He had stopped speaking for a few months and many of them gave up on him while the others texted but eventually gave up when their texts went unanswered. Michael didn't want their false pity, didn't want to constantly be reminded of what he had lost.

Michael was only twenty-five but he had lost everything. His parents didn't want anything to do with him after he became pregnant, and Luke had left four years ago without a word, which still continued to leave a dull ache in his heart. It had been four damn years since Luke had gone and it still hurt like hell. But nothing hurt worse than losing his baby.

Park had only made it a month past his third birthday before he was diagnosed with stage two brain cancer. The doctors said there wasn't much they could do because the treatments would be too hard on the small body, so they gave Michael the sad news that Park would only live around another six months after his diagnosis. 

He only lived out four of those months. 

Park was torn away from Michael much sooner than he should have been, and not just by two measly months. Park was supposed to live out a full and happy life before he died, that's all Michael ever wanted for him. He wanted his baby to grow up into a rebellious teenager, then go to college and get his degree so he could have his dream job. Then he wanted Park to find someone to love and marry them, to give Michael a few grandkids. He wanted to grow old watching his son live the perfect life he had always wanted, but it was never going to happen.

And it crushed Michael everyday knowing that it wouldn't.

Michael began to resent the idea of having more children the moment he was told his baby had cancer. He hated the thought of ever bringing another child into the world, only to have them torn away within a few short years. Park had never even gotten to attend school. He died too young and Michael would be damned if he let it happen again. 

Michael blinked harshly as he finally snapped back into reality, reaching up and rubbing his eyes to clear away the cloudiness. He winced as his hands came in contact with the skin on his face, they were freezing. The past few weeks had been surprisingly cold, and it only made Michael feel worse. The sky was as gray and stormy as he felt inside.

Michael stood up slowly and allowed his back to crack before heading towards the door of the cafe, throwing his nearly full cup away. He was wrong, the hot chocolate didn't help. But not much did at this point. He had no friends to go to, no family, and he didn't really feel comfortable telling a therapist about his issues. What was he supposed to say?

"Hey, I've never met you before but how about I tell you how my only love left me with our nearly born child four years ago, and then my baby died last year of brain cancer and I couldn't do anything about it."

It wasn't exactly the kind of thing he wanted to tell a stranger. 

Michael's boss had been trying to get the boy to take medication for his depression for months, but to get a prescription he would have to talk to someone, so he refused. He shouldn't have to drug himself up just to feel the numbness he already felt. 

Michael had his hands stuffed into his pockets while he walked down the street, occasionally being bumped into by people in a rush. He didn't understand why people couldn't just take it slow. But maybe he did, his whole life had been rushed. Moving in with Luke at such a young age, getting pregnant young. And the last four months he had with Park seemed to zoom by. 

But now Michael moved through life slowly. Every thought and every movement felt like it was slowly dragging by. He often wished life would just speed up so it would be over faster, but it continued to move along at a snails pace. Everything was unbearable at this point as Michael went to work everyday, and then went home only to stare at blank grey walls until he fell asleep. 

The day after Park died Michael went and bought ten cans of dark grey paint. He painted over all the previous colors in the house. The brilliant shade of blue Michael and Luke had painted together in the kitchen. The dark shade of red in his own bedroom. The soft shade of green Park had picked out for his room. Michael still remembered the day Park and him splashed paint around the tarps they had placed on the carpet to prevent it from getting stained. They had dipped their hands in the thick liquid and smeared the paint across the walls until they were covered completely. 

Michael still remembered the colors being there, but now he only saw the gray that covered them up. Day after day and night after night, Michael's entire world was doused in an unsettling gray. There was never a moment of peace, nor anger, not even despair. Michael simply felt nothing anymore. He had broken down until there was nothing but dust left behind, and being so small meant feeling nothing at all. 

A sudden jolt surprised Michael, and he fell back onto the cement. Pain shot up his tailbone and he winced when he placed a small hand on it. Keeping a blank face, Michael looked up to see who had slammed into him, but he only saw people walking around him with no interest in helping him up.

Michael slowly stood up and pouted at the pain before searching the crowds of people on the streets, looking for the person. He didn't see anyone out of the ordinary until he caught sight of the back of a blonds head, rushing away as though they were embarrassed. Michael huffed, but shrugged it off and headed back to his apartment.

His apartment where he spent every night alone, wishing that his loved ones were still with him so he wouldn't feel so damn lonely is his gray-walled hell. All he wanted was to be loved, but it was hard when the universe seemed to be against him. 

Maybe Michael just wasn't meant to be happy.


	6. Find The Words

"I'll find the words to say, before you leave me today." -Moments by One Direction

Michael was sat in the same cafe as the day before, the same empty feeling inside and another full cup of hot chocolate in front of him. He wasn't quite sure what had made him come back, but it probably had something to do with the rain pelting down right outside the window he was looking out of. Something about the rain put Michael into a calming trance as he continued to stare out the blurry window, watching people rush to get out of the rain.

Michael quietly tapped his fingers on the table, wondering to himself why he was even at the small shop. He wasn't drinking his cocoa, he was wet and cold (he hadn't managed to get out of the rain in time), and he wasn't waiting for anything or anyone. A dull pang shot through Michael's heart as he realized that he would probably never wait on anyone ever again. He had no one and it still tore him apart every day. 

A sudden knock on the table snapped Michael back into reality and he looked up to see a girl standing in front of his with an amused smile on her round face. Her dark chestnut hair was pulled back into a messy bun and a wrinkled apron adorned her chest, telling Michael that she was a worker.

“Hey,” the girl smiled slightly, “You seemed kind of zoned out so I figured I should tell you that storm warnings just went off. They're advising everyone to head home, so we're closing down shop for today.”

Michael nodded and sent her a small smile, standing up and going to head off but a light grip on his elbow stopped him. He turned to see the girl still fidgeting in her spot, a light blush on her plump cheeks. She blinked her chocolate eyes nervously. Michael raised his eyebrow questionably as she opened her mouth and closed it again, searching for the right words to say.

“I-I just wanted to say that, um, you seem really sad a-alot, and if you ever need someone to talk to, uh, I can give you my number?” She asked quietly, her finger lightly snapping the rubber band wrapped around her wrist. Her gaze was stuck on the dark wooden floors and her shoulders were shaking slightly, Michael could tell she was scared.

“Sure.”

The girls head shot up, showing Michael the shocked expression printed on her face. “Sure?” She asked.

“Yeah,” Michael said, “I could use someone to talk to.” He stated simply, making her face light up as she rushed to the counter to grab a pen and a piece of paper. She quickly scribbled her numbers down and walked back to Michael, handing him the sheet with a smile still on her face. 

“I'm Lane by the way.”

“Michael.”

“Well, Michael, I guess I'll be seeing you around” Lane said with one final grin as she sped to the back of the cafe, presumably to grab her regular clothes.

Michael watched her go before finally heading towards the door, throwing out his drink on the way. He pushed the glass door open and walked into the freezing fresh air, shoving his hands into his coat pockets in an attempt to keep them warm. The rain was coming down harshly, but Michael just put his hood up and carried along his way. 

They weren't very many people on the sidewalks, so Michael barely had to watch out for anyone, but a sudden body smacked into his and sent him flying to the hard ground, just the like day before. Michael sat up and looked at his hands, watching them slowly turn red with specks of blood. They began to sting and Michael felt a flash of anger, shooting his head up only to see a familiar blond quiff in front of him.

It took a few moments for the feelings to register, but as soon as they did tears began to stream down Michael's cold-flushed face. He brushed off the pain in his hands and focused on the pain in his heart. There Luke was, after four long years, with tears in his eyes and a pained expression on his face.

“Michael” Luke whispered quietly, almost as if he couldn't believe Michael was there in front of him, still on the wet cement. The older boy scrambled to stand up, his heart racing and the only thought on his mind was to get away from Luke. 

As soon as he had seem Luke's beautiful blue eyes, he regretted ever wanting him to come back. Seeing them just reminded Michael of what Luke had done to him. And Park, oh god Michael felt like he was going to be sick. Seeing Luke brought on a new wave of pain as he saw his sons eyes in Luke's.

Luke looked shocked as Michael rapidly stood up and attempted to run away. He reached a long arm out to grab Michael's coat and yanked him back, turning the shorter boy around to face him. His heart stung as he saw the panic coating Michael's face, but he was confused as to why Michael was trying to get away.

"Michael, what's wrong?" Luke asked frantically, holding Michael's small biceps in his hands and scanning his lovers face. Michael squirmed in Luke's grip and tried desperatly to pull away, whimpering when he caught sight of Luke's face again.

"G-get away from m-me" Michael yelled, trying to twist his arms so Luke would let go. But Luke's grip remained strong as his own tears finally fell. He didn't understand why Michael was acting like this, wasn't he supposed to be happy to see him?

"Michael, please" Luke pleaded, ignoring the curious gazes surrounding them, "what are you doing?" Michael didn't respond as he finally managed to free himself of Luke's grip. The taller blond was too shocked to do anything but watch Michael run away in the pouring rain. 

Michael gasped for air as he ran, the cold hurting his lungs as he inhaled deeply, and the rain stinging his face. But he kept running because he knew he couldn't let Luke catch up to him, he couldn't look at Luke again without his heart wanting to tear itself from Michael's chest.

The image of Luke in front of him just a few minutes prior flashed in Michael's mind as he sped down the street, his anger and hurt only growing when remembering the tears falling down Luke's face. He wasn't allowed to cry. He hadn't been hurt the way Michael had. 

And Michael's frustration only grew as he reached his house, yanking the door open and throwing off his sopping shoes. The tears fell again as he raced to his bedroom and threw himself on the bed, burrowing deep into the covers, trying to get Luke out of his mind.

Seeing Luke only made Michael realize that he was far better off without him, and he would be damned if he let Luke love him again.


	7. Hear Me Out

"I know that we are upside down, so hold your tongue and hear me out"- Stay The Night by Zedd ft Hayley Williams

Rushing water was the only thing to be heard as Michael sat with his head underneath the surface in his tub. The liquid was freezing and it chilled Michael to the bone, not that he noticed very much.

He wasn't sure how long he had been under, he seemed to lose all sense of time when he did this, but he figured it had been quite awhile. Over the years of doing this to relax, Michael had learned to hold his breath for a long time.

After holding out for a little longer, Michael resurfaced when he began to feel light-headed. Rubbing the water from his eyes, he looked down the stare at the large black shirt he was wearing. The material clung to his body at some parts, but the majority of it billowed out around him. The way it floated and swayed caught his attention and he continued to watch it intently.

The house was dead silent but Michael was used to it. No one but him had been in there since Park. After Park died, Michael refused to let anyone into his house. He preferred his living quarters as empty and lifeless as he felt.

Letting out a shuttery breath, Michael let his mind drift to Luke. After four long and lonely years, Luke had finally come back. Yet now Michael wasn't so sure he wanted him back. Seeing Luke in the street only reinforced Michael's built up anger against everything, and he was ready to take it out on Luke.

Luke hadn't been there to help choose Park's name. He hadn't been there for any of his sons birthdays. And he certainly hadn't been there to help and comfort Michael when his baby died. Their son had died and Michael had been stuck to deal with it on his own. He was furious with Luke, and he had every reason to be. Luke had abandoned him, and then just showed up and expected Michael to be happy.

Michael was everything but happy, and he would not pretend otherwise.

After allowing himself to wallow in his self-pity for a little while longer, Michael finally stood up, cringing as the water rushed down his body and made his shirt and skinny jeans cling to his skin like glue. But he would rather his clothes stick to his skin if it meant he wouldn't have to see his damaged body.

His stomach and chest were a ghostly white, and he was unhealthily skinny. His stomach nearly caved in instead of out, and he could count all of his ribs. Michael hated his stretch marks more than anything though. They never went away after he gave birth to Park, and he was convinced they only remained to remind Michael of what he had lost.

Michael hadn't meant to lose so much weight but he struggled with finding his appetite or motivation to eat, so he simply didn't. He wasn't sure how much he weighed, but it was definitely way under where it should be.

Michael slowly stripped off his wet clothes and weakly stumbled towards his bedroom in only his still soaked boxers. His small feet left footprints on the dark wood but he didn't bother wiping them up. He caught sight of his broken body in the large mirror that hung in his bedroom, but he quickly averted his gaze.

Michael hated what he had let himself become but he didn't bother trying to fix it.

After getting dressed in a long sleeve black shirt and gray sweatpants, Michael walked achingly slow to his kitchen and opened his liquor cabinet. He pulled out a bottle of alcohol at random and popped the top, immediately taking a large swig. The liquid burned his throat but he didn't care, just continued to take big gulps. 

The blond staggered to his couch and flopped on it, resting on his back with one leg hanging over the edge. The medium-sized bottle (it registered somewhere in Michael's slowing mind that it was probably vodka) was nearly half gone at this point, and Michael felt somewhat the same. 

When ever he felt especially bad Michael would drink a lot and then fall asleep on his couch, usually with tear stains on his cheeks and an ache in his heart. A thought went into his mind and almost instantly back out, he needed to refill his cabinet soon, it was running low.

The house was so quiet that all Michael could hear was his own breath and occasionally the vodka swishing around in the nearly empty bottle. His eyes stayed on the ceiling, and his hands help the glass up to his slowly rising chest.

Out of nowhere his eyes began to water until tears began to stream down his face. He had held off crying all day but every night as soon as the sun went down and he had his drink, he would sob until there was nothing left. Because there was nothing left. He had lost everything within a few short years and now he had absolutely nothing. 

His cries tore through his chest, making it feel as though his lungs were shredding apart. His face was scrunched up in pain, but the tears kept falling. He couldn't do this anymore.

Michael couldn't live like this anymore. He couldn't spend every day in the same shitty routine. He had always thought he deserved a good life when he was younger but obviously he had done something to deserve all this. Michael couldn't stand this anymore.

I can't do this anymore Michael's intoxicated mind thought, I won't. I will not spend another day like this.

Michael shakily stood up from his couch and steadied himself before staggering to his bathroom. He was finally going to do it. Michael had promised himself when Park died that he would live out the life his son didn't get to, but maybe if Michael did this he could finally see his baby again. And even if not, at least he wouldn't have to feel like this anymore.

Michael had only made it halfway down the hallway when he heard a loud knock on the door. He instantly held his breath, not thinking clearly enough to realize that whoever it was probably couldn't hear him. 

Michael turned to face the wall and leaned forward, bumping his head against it and staying there for a moment until he finally decided to go to the door. He stumbled his way back to his living room and traveled towards the door, putting his hand lazily on the knob and swinging the door open.

There was no one there.

Michael rolled his eyes and went to head back to the bathroom until he saw a white envelope taped to the glass screen on his door. Scrunching up his eyebrows, Michael leaned forward and snatched it off, leaving a piece of clear tape behind.

The blond walked back to the couch, nearly tripping when his foot caught on his old wooden coffee table. He scanned the envelope, growing confused when he saw there was nothing written on it. He cautiously opened it and peered inside. In it was a single sheet of slightly crumpled lined paper. Michael's small and shaky hands pulled out the sheet and turned it to the front. 

And there was Luke's scratchy handwriting, scribbled across the paper. Michael wanted to scream. He wanted to tear the letter to pieces and then burn it. He wanted to go chase Luke down the street and beat the shit out of him. But he couldn't, he was too intoxicated and weak. So he read.

Dear Michael, it started, making Michael's heart race.

I don't know how to start this. I mean, what do I say? I'm sorry for leaving you with our son for the past four years? That's not how I want to do this. 

It made Michael stop breathing for a few moments when he realized. Luke didn't know about Park. He thought Michael still had him.

I just wanted to tell you that I have an explanation for all of this, but I would much rather tell you it in person. And god, I would love to meet our son.

Michael wanted to scream until his lungs gave out. Park was his son, not Luke's.

I understand if you don't want me to see him at first but could we at least meet up soon? I want to tell you everything and I want to hear about how you're doing. Just send me the details and I'll hopefully see you soon.

Below the final line was a phone number, and one last thing that made Michael regret ever even opening the letter.

Love, Luke

Michael grabbed the glass bottle he had set on the coffee table and threw it as hard as he could at the wall, watching it shatter before rushing forward and grabbing one of the bigger shards, throwing that at the wall too. He kept going until the bottle was completely in tiny pieces, some sticking out of the walls and Michael just wanted to run at them and let them pierce his skin. He wanted to bleed out, but something held him back.

He did need to speak to Luke. He needed to punch Luke in the face and tell him everything he had done wrong, because he deserved to hear how badly he had ruined Michael's life. 

He needed to feel the same way Michael felt. The way it hurt to think, to speak, to even breathe. He needed Luke to see how hard it was to get through the day. Michael wanted Luke to feel like he was in hell, the same way Michael felt for years because of Luke. 

Michael wanted to destroy Luke, the same way he had destroyed him.


	8. While the Crown Hangs Heavy

"Well I never really thought that you'd come tonight, while the crown hangs heavy on either side"- Far Too Young To Die by Panic! At The Disco

Two weeks passed before Michael had even considered calling Luke. It was during the third week when Michael had finally gained enough nerve to call the younger boy. He had to let his anger build up so he could actually get his words out and not just cry. He wanted to make sure that he was furious enough to not fall right into Luke's arms.

And now he was ready. Michael was going to say what he needed to say and then leave Luke to feel the pain he felt every day. Luke didn't deserve mercy so Michael wasn't going to give it to him. Where was the mercy when Luke left Michael in the hospital?

After all that had happened, Michael didn't believe in mercy anymore. 

His cold fingers slowly typed in the number written on Luke's letter, which had become crinkled and ripped from Michael's constant re-reading. He wanted to burn the words into his mind so he could use the same casual tone Luke had. He knew if he kept up a blank facade it would hurt Luke.

There was a painful pause as Michael stared at his phone, his shaking hand hovering over the haunting green button that would connect him to Luke. Did he really want to do this? Could he really handle having a full-blown conversation with Luke, the boy who had crushed him? 

A sudden flush of pure anger flooded over Michael and he tapped the button, listening intently for a loud ringing noise. Moments of tense silence passed, but Luke finally picked up on the fourth ring. Michael was so fucking ready.

“Hello?” Luke asked, and it took a moment for Michael to realize that Luke probably didn't know it was him.

“Meet me at the field tonight at ten. This is your only shot.” And with that Michael hung up, throwing his phone at the wall and ignoring the shattering noise it made, stomping his way down the hallway to get ready.

********

Luke was cautious as he walked to the specific spot of the field, feeling an ache in his chest as the familiar view surrounded him. Luke and Michael had spent many long nights here, talking about what they wanted to do in the future. They had always wanted to get married and be together forever, but things changed. Luke still wanted to marry Michael, he still loved the boy with everything in him, but he knew that he had ruined their six year relationship when he left.

Life was so much better when they were fifteen year olds, never having a care in the world, and falling madly in love with each other. Luke still loved Michael, but he didn't think the older reciprocated his feelings. Michael probably hated him now, but Luke held nothing against him. After all, it was his fault.

Luke waded through the dark purple flowers that came nearly to his knees, pausing only for a second when he saw Michael laying in one of the few bare spaces. Luke was captivated as he saw the way the moonlight bounced off of Michael's pale skin. The way Michael's beautiful blond hair swayed slightly with the late night breeze. Michael looked so relaxed, with his eyes closed lightly and his hands resting delicately on his stomach, his legs stretched out and laying on the soft green grass that Luke just knew matched his ex-lovers eyes perfectly. 

He was only a few yards away by now, and Luke was ready to just run to Michael and scoop his small frame into his arms and hold him with all his might, but Luke knew that now was not the time to confess his still undying love to Michael. He had hurt him a lot and he needed to fix it before anything else. 

Michael's eyes snapped open as he heard the small swish of plants moving, and looked up to see Luke with a small smile on his face. God, Michael just wanted to punch the smile off of his face. 

“Hey,” Luke started, sitting down next to Michael only for the shorter boy to scoot further away, “thanks for meeting me here tonight. I wanted to tell-”

“Shut the hell up and lay down.” Michael commanded sternly, keeping his position on the ground. Luke stared at Michael for a few seconds before slowly following his command. Luke would be lying if he said Michael's tone didn't scare him. Luke had never heard Michael sound so angry, and it was making him nervous.

Luke snapped his head to the side to look at Michael as he spoke again. “I'm going to do the talking. You say one word and I will leave and never speak to you again. Do you understand?” Luke's heart was pounding in his chest. This didn't sound anything like his Michael. 

“I said do you understand?” Michael sneered, finally looking directly over at Luke and glaring. The younger nodded frantically, and Michael added one last comment. “And face the other way, I don't want to see you.” Luke felt tears well in his eyes. He knew Michael would be angry, but this was beyond anger. This was pure hate and resentment. Luke thought at least a small part of Michael would be glad he came back, but that didn't seem to be the case. Michael actually hated him, and Luke had never felt shittier.  Luke slowly turned so he was on his side, his back facing Michael. 

With his head resting on his arm, Luke ignored the small rock pressing into his hip and waited for Michael to speak. A few minutes went by before Michael could actually bring himself to start. The truth was that Michael asked Luke to face the other way not because he didn't want to see him, but because he didn't want Luke to see him cry. He couldn't risk looking weak, not right now and probably not ever.

“Park was the cutest and sweetest little kid, I swear. Sometimes when he caught me crying he would take my hand and walk me to his room. He would make me lay in his tiny bed and he would crawl on top of me and press little kisses to my face, telling me how 'I was the best dad ever'. And he was really smart, too. He was only four and he was already learning to read.” Michael told Luke, trying not to let the tears fall the way they did every other time he thought about Park.

Luke's palms began to sweat and he felt like his stomach was in his throat. What did Michael mean by “was”?

“He had just barely turned four when he was diagnosed. He hadn't even enrolled in preschool when we found out.” The first tear fell, and Michael was already on the brink of breaking down. He hadn't spoken about Park out loud since he had seen the doctors about his baby's health. But Michael still thought about him every day. 

“Apparently tumors had started forming in his brain when he was three and a half. By the time we found out they had become too large to surgically remove, and the doctors said the other treatments would be too hard on his body. He was given six months. I tried my hardest to keep him happy. I took weeks off of work at a time, hoping to spend as much of the remainder of his life with him as possible. He only made it to the four-month mark when-” Michael was cut off by his own sobs. They tore through his chest and throat, and he vaguely heard Luke's cries too. 

Luke's chest physically hurt, this couldn't be happening. Park couldn't be dead, there was no way, Michael was just trying to keep Luke from him out of anger. But as Luke heard Michael's sounds of pain, he knew that wasn't true. They had lost their baby to one of the worst monsters out there.

It took fifteen minutes before Michael could even speak again, and even as he continued, he still heard Luke's aching cries.

“He had your eyes you know. He had your beautiful blue eyes and it haunted me every day. All I could think about for months was how you just picked up your shit and left me. I had no clue where you had gone. You disconnected your number, deleted your email, I had no way of finding you. I blamed myself for it. Every night I thought to myself, 'Why the hell wasn't I enough for him'. But as time went by, the hurt began to fade. Instead of seeing your eyes in Park's, I started seeing them as just Park's. It made everything a bit less painful. I loved my baby with everything in me, and then I lost him. There was nothing I could do about it but I still hate myself for it. I lost everything, and it all started with you.”

Luke began to tear at his hair because fuck, it was true. It was all his fault. 

“You left me, so I went to my parents for help. They called me a slut and haven't spoken to me since. It took me awhile but I eventually got over it, but then Park left too and it killed me for a long time. It still does, every single day I think about him. I loved him more than anything and he was torn away from me, leaving me to drive myself insane with my thoughts.” Michael had gone back to the blank tone he had started with, but left the trail of tears down his cheeks alone. 

And Luke. Luke was biting down so hard on his fingers to keep in his sobs that he began to bleed, not that he cared. He was in so much emotional pain that he felt nothing physically. If he was this bad, how bad was Michael?

“I almost killed myself the day you left the note. The knock on the door actually stopped me.” Michael stated plainly, as if he hadn't just admitted that he nearly committed suicide. 

Luke let out another painful sob and finally turned to face Michael, choking out a few words. “Michael no-”

“What did I say, Luke?” Michael seethed, trying to keep himself together, “Don't you dare say another fucking word, I will leave right now.” So Luke put his hands over his mouth to keep himself from spewing his thoughts to Michael. He was still facing him, though, and he could see had Michael's face was drenched in tears. Michael took a few deep breaths before continuing.

“You had run into me in the street and as soon as I saw your face, I just wanted to lay down and die. I saw Park's eyes in yours and I almost stopped breathing. I wished I had. I ran all the way home and threw myself under the covers, promising myself that I would never leave the place again so I wouldn't have to see you. I stayed home from work the next day and downed a bottle of vodka. I made it halfway to the medicine cabinet when I heard you knock. You saved me and I hate you even more for it.”

Luke was in hysterics by this point. Not only had he lost his child that he never got the chance to meet, but the boy he loved had nearly killed himself. And he was even more angry at Luke because he had stopped him. The thought of Michael dying hit Luke like a knife to the heart, probably worse. 

“Michael, please” Luke pleaded, not even sure what he was pleading for. He just wanted to hold Michael and kiss him, make Michael know that he still loved him, but he couldn't when Michael literally hated him. 

Michael sat up and stared forward, until he slowly turned his head towards the sobbing Luke. He watched the boy he once loved struggle to breathe. Michael watch Luke roll around in pain, and he felt calm. He had finally gotten something off of his chest. It was like a heavy weight had been lifted, and Michael finally realized for the first time that night that he had finally begun to feel again. Sure, it was basically just anger and sadness, but it was better than the usual hollow feeling he had in his soul. 

Luke made no movement to stop Michael as the shorter boy stood up and gave one last look in Luke's direction before slowly walking off, his shoulders slumped and his hands stuffed in his hoodie pocket. Luke watched him go with sobs still leaving his lips. He was in so much pain but he knew Michael felt worse, so he let him go. Michael needed time to process the nights events, as did Luke. 

So Michael walked back to his car and clambered in, resting his weary head on his steering wheel while more tears poured down his face. And Luke stayed on the ground, praying that he would be able to fix things with Michael so neither him nor his love would never have to hurt like this again. He only hoped that Michael could forgive him.


	9. Cold and Alone

"Cold and alone, it suits you well"- Let's Kill Tonight by Panic! At The Disco

Eight days later Michael stood in the cold drinks aisle at Walmart, checking out the various alcohols they had, wondering which ones would get him drunk the fastest. Despite only replenishing the large liquor cabinet two weeks ago, Michael was already out again. He had been drinking more and more since the night with Luke, but he never really thought about how much he was drinking. He drank a bottle a night, ranging from 18 to 32 ounces. 

Michael was losing more weight because of his drinking habits, and weight was something he couldn't afford to lose anymore of. Michael was a 5'10 twenty-five year old man, but he looked like he weighed less than one hundred pounds. He wasn't healthy, anyone could see, but Michael chose to ignore it. 

He was sinking himself into a hole, he had been for a while, but now he had given up on even attempting to drag himself out. He couldn't do it by himself, as much as he hated to admit it, he was too weak. His frail body and damaged mind were hanging on by a mere thread.

Michael clutched the basket in his left hand a bit tighter as he reached up to grab a medium-sized bottle of whiskey. It didn't look appetizing in the slightest, but Michael knew it probably had a higher alcohol content than any of the other stuff sold in the back of Walmart. He debated with himself for a moment before reaching up and grabbing yet another bottle of whiskey. The cabinet was completely empty, he needed a lot to restock it.

The tired man spent a few more minutes in the isle, grabbing different bottles of vodka, rum, and whatever other drinks caught his eye, until he finally tore his gaze away from the alcohol. He switched the heavy basket to his right hand before walking out of his favorite aisle, shuffling down the store front to a register, only wanting to get home and lay in his bathtub. His new hobby was filling the tub with burning hot water and sitting in it until the water turned cold and the bottle by his side became empty.

As Michael trudged down the white tile flooring, he heard a small gasp and turned to see a boy with dark hair and tan skin staring at him with his hand covering his mouth in shock. Michael had no clue who this was, the person was most likely confused, probably had him mixed up with someone else. Michael turned around and went to walk away, but a hand on his shoulder pulled him into an empty aisle. Michael stared in annoyance at the guy, smacking his hand off of his own frail shoulder. 

“Who do you think you are?” Michael sneered, his eyebrows furrowed with confusion. He didn't appreciate being grabbed by strangers, especially when all he wanted to do was go back to his house and drink until all of his thoughts were drowned out and sinking to the back of his mind.

“My name's Calum. You're Michael, right?” The tanned man asked, grabbing on the sleeve of Michael's black sweater to prevent him from leaving. Michael looked Calum up and down before lightly tugging his sleeve away, taking a step back when hearing the stranger say his name. How did he know who he was?

“How the hell do you know my name?” Michael snapped, feeling paranoia rise in his body, his muscles becoming tense. It wasn't every day that someone came up to him and knew him by name, despite them never having met before. 

“I live with Luke” Calum stated simply, immediately regretting it as Michaels face began to turn red.

“So what, you're his boyfriend or something?” Michael growled, ready to stomp away. His lungs and throat began to tighten at the thought of Luke finding someone else. Of course Luke had moved on from Michael, had he ever even loved him at all?

“No!” Calum corrected, his eyes widening in surprise, “I'm his roommate. Luke and I would never date.” He clarified quickly, scared that Michael was going to hit him or something. Calum could tell that Michael probably wasn't very stable at the moment, and he didn't want to piss him off. Michaels body slowly relaxed, and he found himself annoyed that he was so glad that Luke wasn't with anyone. He couldn't handle knowing Luke had found someone else to love when Michael was so miserable.

“How did you know I was Michael?” The shorter boy asked, shifting his weight to his right leg, showing Calum that he was annoyed. He was curious, but tired, and the overwhelming want to get back to his lonely and isolated house burned out most of his curiously.

“I've seen pictures” Calum said with a small smile inching its ways onto his face, “Luke has an entire bulletin board full of old polaroids of you two. It's quite cute actually, a bit stalker-like, but cute.”

Michael felt his eyes widen, and his hand slipped off the handle of the basket. He winced in horror as it clattered to the floor, breathing out a sigh of relief when none of the bottles spewed open. 

“What are you buying so much alcohol for? You don't seem like much of a party person.”

“I'm not.” Michael answered simply, and it was true. He hadn't been to a party since high school, people weren't really his thing. Especially now, Michael really couldn't stand anyone.

“Is all of that for you then?” Calum asked, raising his thick eyebrows in concern. No one should be buying so much alcohol for themselves, the amount couldn't be healthy. 

“Are you ever going to stop asking me questions?” Michael shot back, trying to avoid answering Calum. He couldn't have Luke hearing about this. Something about Luke knowing that Michael drank made the blond boys skin crawl.

“Luke still loves you, you know. And I don't know what you said to him last week but he hasn't left his bed since. Luke's told me everything about your past relationship, and I know that with the way you two used to be, there must still be something. There's no way you could not still love him, so you need to fix whatever you did. Don't let a love like that go to waste.”

Michael's blood began to boil. Calum knew nothing. Nobody understood the pain Michael had gone through because of Luke. He felt his face flush with anger, and words began pouring out of his sinister mouth.

“You know everything, do you? So you know how Luke and I were 'so in love' and moved in together because we thought we could handle it, and then Luke got me pregnant and left? You know everything? And you're telling me that I need to fix things? I don't fucking think so.” Michael all but shouted at the calm and collected Calum in front of him, not even feeling bad as the tanned man's face fell.

But as Michael looked and saw people around the nearby aisles staring at him, his breathing began to quicken. In the last four years Michael had next to no attention on him, he generally just kept to himself. So when almost fifteen strangers were staring at him, he started to panic.

“I h-have to go” Michael stuttered, quickly picking up his drinks and shoving them back into his basket before taking off, rushing to the registers so he could just pay and get out of there. He was worried Calum would come after him and question him more, or worse, that he would tell Luke about their conversation and his alcohol. He wanted nothing to do with Luke, so the younger didn't need to hear about Michael's drinking problem.

Michael sped through the checkout and finally paid the over friendly cashier, only turning back one last time to see Calum already looking at him, his chocolate eyes filled to the brim with pity. But Michael didn't want pity, he wanted his pain to be over, and his chat with Calum made him realize that there was only two options. Dying, which wasn't his first choice, and fixing things with his ex-lover. Luke clouded Michael's every thought and it was draining him. 

And maybe when Calum mentioned Luke still loving Michael, a small spark had ignited deep within him. Michael was too stubborn to admit it, but he was still in love with the idea of Luke loving him. Michael knew it was time to get it all over with, so he headed home, planning everything out in his head, drinking half a bottle of whiskey along the way and praying that the alcohol would cloak his pain, even if just for one night.


	10. Trade My Mistakes

"If I could trade mistakes for sheep, count me away before you sleep, I'll still wait 'till I trade my mistakes, or they fade away"- Trade Mistakes by Panic! At The Disco

 

Luke hadn't showered in nearly a week. His hair was greasy and his face was oily, but it didn't matter. Luke had left Michael in hell for years, he deserved to feel the way that he felt, heavy and unclean. Luke's soul felt as though someone had tied it to a bag a bricks and thrown it in a river, leaving him to drown with only his screams to be heard. If this was how Michael had felt for the past four years, Luke wished he could go back in time and stop himself from leaving.

No college degree was worth this much pain. 

Luke had been so selfish to take off and live out his dreams, all while ditching Michael with his newly born child. Luke got to go to university and make new friends in a new place, while Michael worked his ass off trying to take care of Luke's kid. It was unfair and downright horrible, and that's why he felt so down. He wouldn't let himself get over the fact that while he was on top of the world and getting his degree, Michael had to be there when his son died, he had to live through that all by himself. Luke would never forgive himself, and he didn't want Michael to forgive him either. Luke didn't deserve that kind of treatment, he was an awful person.

“Luke” he heard Calum's soft voice call, “Luke I brought you some dinner. You need to eat, buddy.” Luke didn't want to eat. He wanted to fix things with Michael, but he couldn't. No matter how much he wished he could, Luke couldn't go back in time and make himself stay.

Luke remained still as he heard Calum putting away the groceries. He felt bad that Calum had to go shopping, he was usually the one to do it, but he couldn't bring himself to leave his bed. His bed felt like a grave and that's where he deserved to be. 

After a few minutes Luke heard steps coming down the hall. A soft knock on the door made Luke turn his body slightly to face it, calling out a quiet come in to Calum. The Maori walked in slowly, a container of food in his hands and a light trace of a smile on his face. Luke didn't appreciate Calum enough.

“If you eat something I'll tell you what happened at the grocery store.” Calum said, attempting to coax Luke into eating something. Luke had only eaten a few bites here and there over the past week, and he knew he was growing frail. 

Luke nodded with much hesitation, only because he wanted to hear what had gone down at the grocery store. Probably something stupid, like a mother arguing with her six year old over a toy. Luke slid over a few more inches to make room for Calum on the bed. The tan boy sat down on the edge and handed Luke a Chinese food box and a pair of chopsticks. 

Calum waited a few minutes so Luke could focus on eating, but after Luke got halfway done he decided it was time. 

“I saw Michael at the store.”

Luke choked on his fried rice. “You what?”

“I saw Michael at the grocery store, and I introduced myself.” Calum spoke, staring at the light blue covers on Luke's bed. 

“Why would you go and do something like that?” Luke squeaked, his eyes wide and his food long forgotten. 

“I don't know, he just looked kind of, worn out? I don't know how to explain it, but he looked kind of dead.”

“What do you mean? Is he okay?” Luke shot questions out, not even waiting to hear Calum's response. He was worried about Michael, he knew the boy wasn't stable, what if Michael was fading? Luke couldn't handle the thought. 

“He looks really bad, Luke” Calum said in a pained voice, “He's really underweight. It looked like he hadn't eaten in months.”

Tears began to fall from Luke's already burning eyes. God, what had he done to Michael? Luke was the cause of this, he knew it. “What else? I can tell there's something else.”

Calum let out a sigh, knowing that Michael really didn't want Luke to know the next part. “I think he has a drinking problem.”

Luke let out a harsh sob, doubling over so his head was between his knees and his hands were tangled in his dirty hair. Michael was fucked up severely, and it was Luke's fault. Michael didn't eat anymore, he had a drinking problem, who knew what else. Michael was wasting away, and Luke couldn't stop blaming himself. 

“How do you know? About the drinking problem?” Luke whimpered, his head still down and fingers still tugging on his hair. Luke was wrecked and he knew it. He just wanted Michael to be okay.

“He had a basket full of alcohol and no offense to him, but he seems a bit too hostile for friends and parties. I figured he would be the only one drinking it.” Calum's heart hurt as he watched his best friend fall apart in front of him. 

Luke's sobs were loud and ugly, he breaths were coming in jagged and harsh. He was in so much pain, and Calum could see it. He knew it would take a long time for Luke to get over it. Something this big could not be fixed overnight, most things couldn't. 

So Calum just laid Luke down and tucked him in, soothing the boy as he cried. He loved Luke a lot, and he never wanted Luke to feel any pain, because that's how best friends should be. Calum made Luke hot chocolate and let him ramble until he passed out from emotional exhaustion, and before he left, Calum pressed a light kiss to the top of Luke's head and whispered that the next day would be better. 

And he really hoped it would.


	11. Two Wrongs Can Make a Right

Michael was halfway through his third beer of the day when a loud knock interrupted his earlier-than-usual drinking session. It was only one in the afternoon and he was completely ready to call it a day. With no motivation to do anything but drink and cry, days generally ended pretty early for Michael. He was wasting his life away, but he honestly didn't care much at this point. What was the point in trying to live his life is he didn't even feel alive?

Grunting and silently cursing the idiot that had interrupted his pity party, Michael rolled from his couch onto his feet and forced his heavy legs to head to the door. He ruffled his messy hair in annoyance before yanking the door open with a sigh.

There stood Calum, a box of Chinese food in one hand and his phone in the other. Michael's eyebrows raised slightly in surprise when seeing the boy he had met yesterday standing on his faded doormat. The one Luke had picked out when they first moved in. Welcome to our happy home! It read, making Michael snort to himself. No one was welcome and it certainly wasn't a happy home. 

“I thought I had scared you off after yesterday.” Michael said in a monotone voice, making sure to not slur his words. He hadn't even had that much to drink, only a glass of the horrid whiskey he had bought the day before and two and a half beers. It seemed like a lot to most people, but with how much Michael drank, he began to build up a resistance of sorts. It took a lot more than it should to get Michael wasted. 

Calum gave Michael a soft smile, trying to ignore the smell of alcohol on him. He felt bad for the boy, and didn't want to make him self-conscious of his obvious drinking problem. He knew Michael needed help, but Luke had to be the one to do that. Michael didn't seem up for therapy, and Calum just wasn't the person to play therapist. Luke was the only other option they had.

“Good thing I'm not easily scared then, right?” 

Michael chuckled, but the humor didn't quite reach his eyes. The eyes that were nearly gray instead of the bright green they used to be. The eyes that became glazed over every time Michael drank to forget. The eyes that had watched his world fall apart piece by piece until all the color in his life was gone. It was always said that the eyes are a window to the soul, and maybe that explained the drained color that Michael's remained. 

A long silence lingered between the two, making an awkward tension fill up the surrounding air. Calum stared at Michael deep in thought while Michael did anything to avoid making eye contact. He never liked people looking at his eyes anymore, he was worried of what they would find.

Michael liked to keep his broken heart and thoughts to himself. 

“Why are you here anyways?” Michael asked in faux annoyance, tearing down one brick of the tension wall between them. Calum let out a silent sigh of relief, glad that Michael was the one to break the silence. Calum was never very good at starting up conversation, though neither was Michael. 

“May I come in for a minute?” He asked politely, praying that Michael wouldn't just slam the door shut in his face. He had some things he needed to say to Michael, and a few things he needed to ask. 

Michael grumbled a sure and stepped back from the door, allowing it to widen so Calum could walk in. The Maori kicked his shoes off by the door just in case Michael was one of those people. He followed the man with slumped shoulders to the living room, watching Michael flop onto one of the black leather couched adorning the medium-sized room. Calum stood awkwardly by a single-cushion couch until Michael told him to stop being so polite and sit the fuck down. Calum did so with a pout.

“So,” Michael started after a few moments, “What brings you here?”

Calum glanced around the room before answering, trying to come up with the right words that wouldn't get him kicked out of Michael's house. He noted how gray everything was as he spoke. The walls were gray, a large gray rug was covering a portion of the dark wooden floors, the decorative pillows on the couches were gray. It all seemed dull and Calum wondered if Michael had purposely done it to make the house seem a bit more lifeless. It worried him more.

“I came here today to talk to you about Luke.” And Calum almost laughed when Michael rolled his eyes and flung his head back to lean against the back of the couch. It was a dramatic movement, and Calum suspected that Michael had always been dramatic like that, only it most likely used to be to make people laugh. Calum didn't think Michael cared about making people laugh anymore. 

“Of course it's about Luke” Michael breathed out in annoyance, “Everything's always about Luke. Luke this, Luke that, is anything ever not about Luke? Let me guess, Luke is depressed. Luke hasn't been sleeping, hasn't been eating properly. I bet he's barely left his bed, am I right? Well guess fucking what” Michael spat, his words becoming more venomous by the second, “He's not the only fucked up person around.”

Calum sat completely still as he stared at his hands, letting every single one of Michael's words sink deep into his mind, turning them over again and again. Of course Michael knew what was wrong with Luke, Michael had been living through the same thing, just over a larger period of time. Calum had come here to talk Michael into helping Luke, but maybe he had to convince Luke to help Michael. 

Calum had only a few seconds to come up with a new plan, and it had to be good. If Calum messed this up and couldn't figure out a way to get Luke to help Michael, Michael could be gone within the next few days. Either his organs would give up from the excessive alcohol, or the lack of nutrients from not eating would get to him. If Michael didn't get help very soon, he would die. And Luke was probably the only one capable of helping him.

So for once in his life, Calum let his heart speak before his brain. 

“Luke invited you over for lunch.” A small shock flew through Calum's body, but he ignored it and didn't bother correcting his statement, even as Michael's eyebrows shot up in surprise. He knew he was lying, but at this point he didn't care. Luke was too worried about Michael hating him that he wouldn't talk to him, and Michael was too hurt to speak to Luke without Luke initiating the talking. It was a hard situation, but Calum had to make it work, Michael's life was at stake. 

“He what?” Michael asked, not believing his ears. He thought Luke would never want to see or speak to him again after the way he had treated him that night a few weeks ago. Michael had been so harsh, so blunt, he didn't imagine Luke would ever come in contact with him again, let alone invite him over for lunch. 

“Yeah” Calum went on, letting words roll off his tongue in a casual manner so Michael couldn't catch his lies, “He had a few things he wanted to tell you. They're really important.” Calum finished, nodding his head along to his words. 

Michael seemed to be contemplating a bit too much, and Calum became worried he would deny. If Michael didn't go over today, there probably wasn't a chance he would ever go again, so Calum had to make sure he went to see Luke immediately.

“C'mon,” Calum started in a soft convincing tone, “We even had some beers in the fridge.”

Michael's mind had already been acting a bit slow due to the earlier intake of alcohol, so it took him a while to think about the situation. But with the possibility of Luke apologizing, and with the mention of alcohol, Michael was sold. 

“Then what are we waiting for?”


	12. I've Been Through A Lot

Michael wasn't sure when he began to regret agreeing to go home with Calum so he could talk to Luke, but he knew that he was probably feeling the most regret now. As he stood in front of Luke's apartment door, his hands clammy and his head racing. Michael knew that just behind that white wooden door with a big black 93 painted on it, Luke was waiting for him. He was waiting for Michael to waltz on in so they could have a proper conversation. 

Michael began to regret treating Luke the way he did the last time they spoke. He was so hostile and harsh, what if Luke treated him like that? Michael couldn't take very many more shots of pain, he was starting to fall to his knees from the constant bullets shredding through his body. If Luke actually hated Michael, Michael would just give up the fight. He may not be happy with Luke at the moment, but the thought of the younger boy hating him sent shivers down his spine and his heart to his stomach.

Calum was just down a single flight of stairs, Michael could hear him clambering up the metal steps. He was there if Michael tried to run back, making sure that Michael actually went in to talk to Luke. The only way to get past him on the narrow staircase would require Michael to push Calum down the stairs, and he didn't really want to do that. Sure, Calum wasn't his favorite person but he didn't want to hurt him. 

Michael knew he just had to grow some balls and confront the awaiting Luke. Taking a deep breath, or maybe a few, he finally raised his small shaky fist and knocked quietly on the door, stomach churning and his legs wanting to turn and run. But, after a few moments with no answer, Michael grew confused. Why was no one answering the door?

“You're going to have to knock louder than that, mate” Calum said right behind him, making Michael jump. “He's been blasting James Blunt and Mayday Parade for days. He's not going to hear you over his pity music.”

Music, Michael thought, I haven't listened to music in so long. And it was true. Music had been Michael's entire life before everything went wrong, and Michael had punished himself by not allowing music to be played near him. He had hidden his guitar away somewhere in one of the empty storage closets, and he had done the same with all of his albums. He didn't have any music on his phone, he had completely distanced himself from it. 

“Calum, I can't do this.”

Calum sighed, but he understood that this was hard for Michael. As much as Calum loved Luke, he knew he had been a dick to leave Michael. Luke had broken Michael down to splinters and taken a few of the pieces for himself. Calum knew that the only one who could fix Michael was Luke. Even if they didn't become a couple again (which Calum secretly hoped would not happen, he loved them together), they still needed to apologize so they could both move on. Ignoring each other and wallowing in self-pity was not going to help either of them.

“Michael, please” Calum pleaded, grabbing onto Michael's small shoulders and staring straight into the gray eyes in front of his own, “Luke needs this. You need this. Please.” And with one final pout, Michael gave in. He knew what Calum said was true, both him and Luke needed this, so with much hesitation Michael knocked again. Much louder this time. 

“One minute!” The two in the hall heard a tired voice call out. Michael's heartbeat spiked, and then steps were coming to the door, and then it was opening and Michael's hands were clenched into painful fists and his nails were cutting into his skin because holy shit. There was Luke.

Luke was standing in front of Michael with a pained expression on his face. Michael swore he was going to have a heart attack as he truly looked a Luke's face for the first time in years. When Luke had bumped into him on the street, Michael had panicked too much to pay attention. The second time they met Michael had faced away from Luke the entire time, never once catching a glimpse of his ex-lover.

But now Luke stood in front of the shaking Michael, looking more beautiful than ever and Michael hated it. He hated that Luke looked almost the same as he had from the time he left, but a bit better. He hated that Luke wasn't as young anymore, that he had facial hair and muscle. But most of all, he hated that Luke hadn't let his sadness take effect on his physical state.

Luke was at a healthy weight, Luke didn't have the slouched posture Michael had let himself gain with his sadness. He stood tall, and maybe the bags under his eyes were a bit worse than usual, but they didn't even compare to Michael's. Luke still looked amazing, and Michael looked dead. Was Luke even hurt over anything? It sure didn't seem like it to Michael.

A small voice broke through his thoughts, tearing his attention away from examining Luke's physical state. 

“Michael” Luke said quietly, not believing that the boy was in front of him. Michael turned his gaze down, not wanting to look at Luke any longer. He couldn't handle it.

“Luke.” Michael stated simply as a response. He tried to keep his voice even, but he knew he was failing. It was shaking almost as much as he was. If he had been watching Luke's hands, he would have seen how they were shaking against the wood of the doorway that he was gripping onto.

“What...” Luke started, trying to find the proper thing to say, “What are you doing here?”

Michael furrowed his eyebrows. Luke had invited Michael over, hadn't he? Michael felt anger burn up as he turned to face Calum, who was no longer there. He must have slipped away as Michael and Luke stared at each other. That shitbag Michael thought. 

“Well, Calum said that you wanted to talk to me, but obviously not, so I'll just be uh- I'll just get going” Michael said, embarrassment making his cheeks flush a deep red. He turned his body and began to walk away, hoping to find Calum in the parking lot so he could beat him up a bit. But as he was walking away a timid voice called after him.

“You can stay for a little while if you want” Luke nearly whispered, his gaze glued to the floor.

“You don't mean that, I'll leave. It's fine, really” Michael responded, trying to get out of the conversation.

“I do mean it” Luke said, his eyes finally looking up and catching with Michaels,”I mean, we do have a few things to talk about so we might as well just get it over with.”

Michael stared at Luke, trying to read his mind. Did Luke really want to talk, or did he just want to chew Michael out for being a jerk? But as he looked at Luke's scared expression, he agreed with a shrug of his small shoulders and a slight nod of his head.

Luke looked relieved as he opened the door wider, allowing Michael to slowly walk in. The place was simple, but cute. One thing that struck Michael was that it was spotless. Luke had always been a bit of a messy kid, but maybe he had grown out of his habits.

“Sorry it's ridiculously clean” Luke said quietly, leading Michael to a small table in the makeshift dining room, “Calum's a bit of a neat freak. He cleans all the time.” Michael nodded his head to show he was listening, but otherwise kept his mouth shut.

Michael had already done his talking, it was time for Luke to do his.

“Why?” Michael asked after a few minutes of sitting in silence. Luke looked taken aback.

“Why, what?”

Michael rolled his eyes and fidgeted his hands in front of him. “Why did you leave?”

It was a while before Luke answered, but it didn't matter much to Michael. Time was all he had left.

“I wanted to do something with my life. I wanted to go to college and find a good job without trying to balance being a father in-between it all. I wanted a child, but the timing wasn't right. We were too young, Mike, I wasn't ready.”

Michael was fuming now. 

“Don't call me that, my name is Michael. And I know the timing wasn't right, but that was no excuse to leave. Maybe I wanted to go to college, maybe I didn't want to be a father in-between it all too, but the difference between you and me is that I stayed and loved our child. I wasn't ready either but I tried and I had to do it all on my own.”

Luke had tears dripping down his face. Only two minutes into the conversation and he was already in ruins. “I know, and I regret it every day. I wish more than anything that I could go back and make myself stay, but I can't Michael. I want to but I can't.”

“You should have thought of the long-run before you dropped off the face of the earth.” Michael spat, hating that his own eyes were watering. “I loved you so much, Luke. I thought we were going to be together forever with our child, but you left. You let me believe for nine months while I was pregnant that you were ready and excited to have a kid, but you lied. For nine months.” Michael was sobbing by this point. 

He was finally letting out all of his emotions, not just his anger. Michael was showing his pain, his sadness, his lost hope. He was showing Luke everything, he was tired of holding it in. And now he felt as though a heavy weight had been lifted off of his chest. 

“I know” Luke cried, lying his head down onto his arms so he wouldn't have to see Michael's pain anymore, “I know, and I'm so s-sorry, Michael. I swear it r-regret it s-so much.” He stuttered, keeping his head down.

Michael stared at the shaking figure of Luke for only moments before doing the same. The two cried into their arms while everything around them was quiet. It seemed as though they had cried for hours before Luke finally spoke again.

“I would have given anything to meet him.” Michael's heart stopped, just as it did anytime Park was mentioned.

“Why did you name him Park?” Luke asked, his words a bit muffled since he still had his head in his arms.

Michael swallowed the lump in his throat. “Remember when I told you my favorite book was Eleanor & Park, and you called me 'your little Eleanor' for the longest time after? Well, I had decided that if I was your Eleanor, you were my Park. That's were his name came from.”

That was true love Luke thought, and I just threw it away.

“I brought a picture of him for you” Michael whispered, his eyes tearing up again as he pulled a small polaroid out of his jacket pocket. It was one of his favorite pictures of Park. 

The little boy had somehow gotten into the green food-coloring, and it stained his tiny hands and left a huge grin on his face. Michael had been too wooed by the smile to scold him, and instead captured the moment with his special camera. 

Luke softly took the picture into his shaking hands and started crying again as his gaze fell onto the most beautiful little boy he had ever seen. He had blond hair that was more like Michael's than his own, but he had lovely blue eyes that made up for him looking more like Michael. 

“He's beautiful” Luke whispered, eyes still scanning the picture with love and sadness swirling through his mind.

“I know.”

Luke looked up to see Michael wiping away his tears. He was surprised that Michael had brought a picture of Park, but he was forever grateful for at least getting to see his child. He knew he would never get to meet him, but at least he knew what he looked like.

“Would you like to hang it up with me?”

Michael contemplated it for a few seconds before nodding lightly. The two stayed quiet as they walked to Luke's room. As they entered, Michael's gaze immediately stuck to a board on the wall that was completely covered in old polaroids of Michael and Luke. Calum wasn't kidding Michael thought. 

Luke blushed as he realized what had caught Michael's attention. He slowly walked up, his arm brushing lightly against Michael's, sending shivers down his spine. His touch still set fire to Luke, but he kept it to himself because it didn't seem to affect Michael. But it did.

The younger of the two reached up slowly, pinning the picture of Park right in the center of the board. He made sure to put the tack in the corner, as to not cover any of Park. 

“Perfect.” Luke heard Michael whisper, making his heart race as he began to speak without fully thinking through his words.

“I want to help you Michael.” The words were a surprise to both of them, and Michael turned to Luke in confusion.

“With what?”

“Whatever you're willing to let me help with.” Luke said, smiling a bit when Michael blushed and nodded slowly.

Maybe this could be the start of something new.


	13. A Head Like A Hurricane

It had only been four days since Luke had brought Michael food and danced with him in the living room, but Michael was already starting to worry. Luke had just been busy the past few days, but what if he was planning on leaving Michael again? What if seeing how fucked up and problematic Michael had become was scaring him away?

Michael's mind raced as he tried to tell himself that Luke wouldn't leave him. But he had done it once, he could do it again. Sobs were tearing themselves from Michael's sore throat, sounding through the lonely apartment. His shaking body was occupying the cold kitchen floor, too weak to drag itself up. 

Michael could hardly breathe as the thought of Luke leaving him kept reverberating through his frantic mind. It was all too much. He had just started fixing things with Luke, stitching up their past issues to bring them back together. But to Michael, it felt like the bonds were breaking. The thread was snapping and Michael couldn't keep holding it together. 

Too many thoughts were fighting to the surface, and it just felt like a thousand voices screaming directly into Michael's ears. He tended to overthink things often, but never this bad. This felt like he was actually driving himself insane. God, he probably was insane. 

Michael slowly dragged his aching body towards his liquor cabinet, clumsily slamming a hand onto the knob and tearing the door open. He grabbed a bottle of who-knows-what and popped the top off, immediately taking gulps between harsh cries. He needed to stop thinking before he absolutely lost it.

Michael finally sat up completely and leaned his back against his lower kitchen cabinets, cradling the bottle in his small hands as though it was something precious. Not something that had taken over his mindset, constantly telling him that he needed to be drunk so he wouldn't have to think. Michael knew that he had a drinking problem, but it was the one thing he didn't want to fix.

He was working on gaining weight, he was working on fixing things with Luke, but Michael would not give up on alcohol. It was the one thing that let him completely relax, the one thing that let his mind go somewhere other than his problems, and he couldn't let that go. He needed it and nothing Luke, or Calum for that matter, could say would convince Michael to stop drinking.

The more alcohol Michael consumed, the fewer tears fell. The alcohol was beginning to numb his thoughts and emotions, letting Michael's sobs deteriorate until they finally stopped. His body relaxed against the wood he was leaning on, and he was finally breathing normally. His throat was still sore, but it was nothing a cup of tea with honey before bed couldn't fix. 

As the alcohol took over, Michael's thoughts drifted towards Luke. How Luke had been so nice to Michael even after Michael had been so mean to him. So, so mean Michael thought to himself. How Luke had brought him food, and even danced with him to Ed Sheeran. Luke is so sweet Michael mumbled to himself. So, so sweet. And so pretty.

It had only been four days but Michael missed seeing Luke's beautiful blue eyes already. They were so light, so pretty. Michael wanted eyes like Luke's, he wanted beautiful blue eyes. But they wouldn't suit him, besides, Luke had always told Michael how pretty his eyes were, how they were the eyes of an angel. 

But Michael wasn't an angel, and he knew it. Tears sprung again as Michael realized how much of a shitty person he had become. He drank, he was mean, he never thanked Calum for helping him, and Michael felt like he didn't appreciate Luke enough. Luke had been so good to Michael, and Michael hadn't done anything for him. He was a shit person. 

Michael fumbled around on the floor for a minute before snatching up his phone and unlocking it by entering in his pass code. It was Luke's birthday, but the younger would never need to know that. Michael quickly opened up his contacts and went straight to Luke's, immediately tapping the green button and letting the ringing noise fill his ears.

Luke picked up after a few rings. “Hello?” His soft voice came through the speakers, making Michael want to giggle because his voice was just so deep and so pretty. 

“Hey, Lukey!” Michael slurred, hiccuping after and immediately making Luke drop what he was doing and give his full attention to the obviously drunk boy on the other end of the line. 

“Hey, Michael,” Luke started, “Are you drunk right now? I need to know, sweetheart, it's really important that you tell me the truth.”

Michael completely disregarded Luke's question, and instead pouted. “I'm not a sweetheart,” he grumbled, “I'm so mean. So, so mean, and not a sweetheart. I'm sorry I can't be a sweetheart for you, Lukey. I want to be, but I'm just so, so mean.” He slurred, continuing to apologize to Luke for anything and everything. Drunk Michael meant sad and apologetic Michael, and Luke was not liking it one bit. 

“You're not mean, Michael,” Luke stated firmly, “I promise.” He was already out the door, rushing to his car and practically throwing himself in the front seat. He frantically put on his seat belt and sped out of the driveway, immediately heading in the direction of Michael's house. 

“But I am!” Michael sobbed, surprising Luke with the sudden cries. Luke heard glass shattering in the background and an extra loud cry from Michael, making his hands begin to shake as he gripped onto the steering wheel, trying desperately to reach Michael's house as soon as possible. His love needed him, and he was going to be there this time. 

“Michael!” Luke said, trying to catch Michael's attention, “Are you okay? What happened?”

“I broke a b-bottle on accident” Michael sobbed, “My hand is bleeding so so bad, Luke. Please come help me, please.” He begged, clutching his injured hand to his rapidly rising and falling chest. 

“I'm here, love, I'm here” Luke said frantically, yanking off his seat belt and throwing himself from the car. He ran to the front door and didn't bother knocking as he rushed inside and immediately headed to the kitchen. There was Michael sitting in the middle of the tile flooring, surrounded by broken glass. Tears streamed down his face and his hand continued to bleed. 

The moment his dragonfly green eyes met Luke's, the younger boy went into full panic mood. Luke kicked some of the glass away with the tip of his dirty all-black converse, reaching to scoop Michael up effortlessly. The shorter boy clung to Luke's chest, using only his non-injured hand to clutch the fabric of Luke's ripped up striped shirt. 

“You're fine,” Luke promised as he carried Michael to his bathroom, “You're going to be okay.”

Luke set Michael on the counter in front of the mirror as he searched through cabinets for the first aid kit. He could still hear Michael's sniffles and it made his heart hurt. He should have been there to prevent Michael from drinking, if he had been there Michael wouldn't have gotten hurt. 

Luke sighed in relief as he found the kit, standing up and walking over to help Michael with his no longer bleeding hand. He took the older boy's hand into his own, softly patting it with an alcohol wipe that made Michael wince in pain. 

“It hurts!” Michael whined, trying to pull away.

“I know it does, babe, but I need to clean it so it doesn't get infected.” Luke stated, causing Michael to pout but also allowing Luke to finish cleaning. He may have had an entire bottle of alcohol, but he wasn't drunk enough to let himself get an infection. 

Luke tried to keep his smile contained as Michael made cute little whimpering noises, knowing that the boy was hurt and probably wouldn't appreciate Luke laughing at him. Soon, Luke was finished bandaging Michael's cut, and he was picking him back up to carry him to his bedroom. He figured Michael needed some sleep. 

“I can walk you know” Michael pouted (he seemed to do that a lot when he was intoxicated).

“I know!” Luke grinned, leaning down just a tad so he could press a sweet kiss to Michael's forehead. He furrowed his eyebrows a bit when Michael tensed in his arms, but chose to ignore it and just pretend that it didn't happen. He shouldn't have done it, anyways. It was an intimate action and Michael probably wasn't ready for that, Luke understood. 

It was a bit of a struggle to get the bedroom door open with Michael in his arms, but it was worth it as Michael's eyes lit up as he caught sight of his bed. He started squirming in excitement until Luke dropped him lightly onto the covers. Luke assisted Michael as he tried to get himself under the covers, tucking Michael in with a sweet smile. The older seemed dead tired, and Luke knew that nothing got him to sleep faster than singing.

And so he did.

I'm hoping you weren't heaven sent,  
'Cause only hell knows where you've been

Michael's eyes began to tear up again as he heard the familiar lyrics, it was the song Luke always used to sing him to sleep with. As much as he loved Lynn's voice, Michael had always preferred Luke's.

But as Luke continued to sing, more and more bad memories began to resurface. The lonely and horrid days Michael had spent alone because of Luke. The times he would walk alone to see his baby's headstone. They had always had a beautiful relationship, but that was when they were younger. Luke had ruined that, and it was hard to hear a song that used to make him so happy to be with Luke. 

Your built composure's wearing thin,  
And all your walls are caving in

Luke's voice flowed smoothly, but it was beginning to make Michael panic more and more. It was getting hard to breath, and Michael couldn't take it anymore, not tonight.

“Stop!” He wheezed, pushing his head back further into his pillow in hopes of drowning out the lyrics. Luke instantly stopped, and rushed to Michael's side, frowning at the sight of his fresh tears. 

“What's wrong, love?” Luke asked, reaching to wipe away Michael's tears.

But Michael shoved his hand away desperately, making Luke even more confused. “Don't call me that, and please,” he pleaded, “Don't sing that.”

“Why?” Luke asked in a hurt tone, his own tears beginning to well up in his baby blue eyes.

“You need to leave.” Michael spat.

“Michael, love, please-” Luke started, attempting to take Michael's hand into his own to no avail. The older yanked his hand away as though Luke was poison. And maybe he was.

Luke was Michael's poison and Michael hadn't quite figured out the antidote yet.

“I said don't call me that! Get out!” Michael screamed, tears streaming down his face as Luke cried with him. “Get out, you need to leave! You need to leave right now!” And he screamed and screamed until Luke finally stood up and rushed to the bedroom door on shaky legs. 

Get out Michael's voice growled as Luke looked back one final time, and please come back his heart pleaded as Luke wiped his own tears and stumbled out the door. 

And as he heard Luke's engine start outside the house, he knew he had made a huge mistake. He wanted Luke in his arms but Luke was on his way to his own lonely bed.


	14. You're Not Fooling Anyone

“Mate, you've really fucked up” Calum laughed lightly, in an almost scoffing manner. He leaned far back on his bar stool, and Michael kind of hoped he would tilt back just a few more inches and fall off. Michael didn't want to hear from others what he already knew. He knew he had fucked up, he didn't need Calum to rub it in his face. 

“I am fully aware of that, jackass” Michael grumbled, pushing his cocoa away from his body so he could lean down and slam his head against the counter. The two were sat in Michael's usual cafe. The last time he had been in there was the first time he had seen Luke since the younger had come back from college. The cafe was familiar, it brought on sad memories, but still, it was familiar. 

“Hey, don't take your anger out on me, it's your own fault!” Calum said with a wide smile. Why the fuck was Calum always so happy? Michael felt like he was mocking him. 

“God, why did I ask you for help again?” Michael groaned, knowing very well that it was his fault. He wanted comfort, not to be told again and again that he was single-handedly ruining everything that Luke had been trying to fix.

“Because you literally have no one else.” Calum stated, casually stirring his coffee as if he hadn't just insulted Michael. The blond rolled his eyes, ignoring the dull ache in his heart because damn, it was true. Before he could defend himself, a flash of chestnut colored hair caught his eye.

“I have someone else, I could easily have just gone to her.” Michael smirked, crossing his thin arms across his sweater covered chest. It was Calum's turn to roll his eyes, not believing for one second that Michael associated himself with anyone other than Luke and Calum. 

“Her?” Calum asked, eyebrows raised questioningly. He watched as Michael's smirk widened, wanting to just slap the look off of the older boys face. Calum did not appreciate smugness. 

Instead of directly answering Calum's question, Michael turned to face the worker currently making a latte for a customer. “Hello, Lane!” Michael said in a sickeningly sweet voice, catching the attention of the short girl. She looked surprised, she hadn't seen Michael come in for a few weeks, and although she had given Michael her number, the two hadn't spoken since then.

“Hey, Michael” she responded, trying to sound polite although she could tell some confusion leaked into her words. Michael understood her confusion though, and he felt like a douche for not speaking to her when she had offered her assistance. God, Michael was terrible with people. 

“I was just telling Calum here that we're friends” Michael said proudly, turning his head only to see Calum staring at Lane. His eyes were wide and Michael could tell that he thought she was cute. He may have been gay, but even Michael could tell that Lane was in her own category of beautiful.

With her long and curly chestnut hair, wide hazel and green eyes, Lane was quite the looker. Especially with her cute chubby cheeks and lovely curves, Michael could definitely see why Calum was staring. Lane was a sight for sore eyes, and Michael could tell Calum was crushing hard.

“Friends?” Lane chuckled (unknowingly making Calum want to scream because fuck), “No offense, Michael, but we've spoken once before this. Maybe twice. We're not exactly friends.” She said, turning to hand a customer his blueberry muffin and caramel iced coffee.

Her response was so blunt it made Calum burst into a fit of laughs (which were much louder than necessary Michael made sure to point out to him later). Lane rolled her eyes as Calum laughed, turning around with a small smile hidden. Michael just continued to pout, but didn't bother denying it. It was true. 

“Damn,” Michael swore, slamming his head back against the counter, “You're both terrible at comforting people. How do either of you even have friends?”

Lane snorted. “Who said I had friends?” And maybe a pang went through her chest as she spoke, but the giggling boys in front of her didn't need to know that. Loneliness was something she had dealt with for a long time, and something she felt she was always going to deal with. Loneliness wasn't always about the physical aspect, but sometimes it was just a state of mind. 

It was like standing in a room brimming with people yet still feeling like the only person truly there. 

“You're hilarious!” Calum told her, grinning at her as though she was the funniest person he had ever met. Lane appreciated that look very much, she didn't get much attention and Calum's seemed sincere. Like he actually thought she was funny and wanted to be around her.

“Sometimes” Lane responded with a half smile. She glanced over Calum's grinning face one more time before turning back to Michael, who still had his head on the counter. “So what's wrong?” She asked as she prepared a few more orders. 

“Everything.”

“Well, why don't you explain what's wrong and I can try to help.” Lane offered kindly. And so Michael did. He told her everything, trying to keep it on the down low so the other customers didn't hear his sob story. Lane listened with open ears and wide eyes. Fuck she thought, no wonder Michael always seemed so damn sad. He was sad. 

Michael had heavy tears in the eyes by the end, and he realized with a start that this was the first time he had recited the entire situation out. This was the first time he had spoken about every single thing he had gone through in the past few years. From Luke leaving to losing Park, everything up until Luke's last visit.

And damn did it feel good to get everything out. No more angry thoughts clouded his overwhelmed mind, a cage was opened and all the fucked up memories were set free. Michael felt like he could finally breathe properly for the first time in years. 

“I don't know what to tell you, Michael. I mean, this is a unique situation” Lane spoke slowly, her eyebrows furrowed and her chubby cheeks blown out a bit. 

But Michael knew what he needed to do now. Setting everything free left a clear and open solution for Michael. He had to see Luke, and he had to speak to him now. 

“I've got to go” he breathed out, rushing to gather his things and to pay for his drink. Lane and Calum both looked confused, but neither made a move to stop him. They had never seen Michael with such a look of urgency in his eyes, so they sat back and let him go.

Michael flung the door of the cafe open, immediately taking a deep breath of the fresh air. He was ready, he had never been more ready for anything in his life. Now was the time for fixing things. 

A light feeling filled his heart as he walked to Luke's apartment, Michael was going to fix everything.


	15. What Are You Trying To Say?

Michael's heart was pounding in his chest as he rapidly climbed up metal stairs in search of Luke's apartment door. All he could hear was his own blood rushing in his ears, and he was shaking like a leaf, but he was so fucking ready. 

Panting, Michael carefully slowed to a stop as he reached Luke's door. A small and shaky fist went up to knock, but then a small flash of reluctance shot through Michael's tired body. Did he really want to do this? Luke was trying to mend things, did Michael really want to ruin it all?

Why was he even doing this? Did he just not want to apologize? 

No, Michael thought to himself, Luke hurt me and I need him out of my life before I can move on. 

With all hesitation gone, Michael reached up his small fist and pounded it against Luke's door. The younger boy almost immediately opened the door, grinning as soon as he saw Michael. He wasn't mad about the other night, he understood why Michael had kicked him out. Too many memories from the song and Luke was being a bit too touchy. He wasn't mad at all, Michael had done nothing wrong. 

“Hey, what's up?” Luke asked sweetly, a smile still gracing his perfect lips. Michael just wanted to punch him in the face. How could someone that looked so much like an angel do something so evil? How could Luke's smile be so perfect when he anything but that? Michael didn't understand a lot of things.

“Just wanted to talk to you about stuff” Michael muttered, trying to ready himself for what he was about to do. He had to plan his words carefully, he had to build up a wall and fast. He couldn't let Luke back in, he had already come to close to that with all the dancing and Luke trying to help him. Michael needed to burn the bridge between them, to completely cut Luke off.

“Well then come in, Mike” Luke spoke softly, reaching down to grab Michael's thin wrist and pulling him to the blue couches in the living room area. The two sat down facing each other, but Michael wasn't looking at Luke. He couldn't bring himself to, he knew that if he did he would go back on his plan and he would never do what he needed to.

“So,” Luke said, obviously trying to ease the tension and start a proper conversation, “What's up?”

Michael took one look into Luke's hopeful blue eyes and almost stood himself back up and ran out the door. Luke just looked too sweet, was acting too sweet and Michael couldn't take it. He used to be a lot like Luke, caring and loving, but the times had changed. He wasn't the fifteen-year-old boy Luke had fallen in love with. 

Michael came to the realization that he wasn't only doing this to get Luke away from him, but he was also doing it because it wasn't fair to Luke. Luke had come back wanting the Michael he had left, but that Michael was gone. That Michael was dead. 

Now he was bitter, hateful, resentful, every bad word he could come up with, and it sucked that Luke was too blinded by love to see that Michael wasn't a good person. Luke deserved someone special and angelic, Michael couldn't be what Luke wanted, what Luke needed. 

This was best for the both of them. Michael could live the rest of his life in solitude, feeling guilt free because he was letting Luke move on. Luke could finally be free of Michael, could find someone normal. Someone that wasn't a huge fuck up like Michael, someone that could love him back properly. 

Michael knew now that he still loved Luke. Even after all he had done, Michael still loved him because that's what love was. Love was about looking past mistakes, and Michael knew that he could forgive Luke in his heart. But now was the time to let him go, and Michael knew he had to stay strong.

“Luke,” Michael started, trying his absolute hardest to keep his voice even and void of emotion, “I came here today to tell you that I-” his voice cracked, “I don't want to see you anymore.”

Luke looked taken aback, heartbroken. “W-what? Michael, I-”

“I don't want you coming around anymore.”

Tears leaked from Luke's eyes, breaking Michael's heart. “This has to be some kind of joke, you can't-”

“Luke,” Michael growled, “This isn't a joke. I don't want to see you anymore. You've hurt me,” I'm hurting you right now, “And I never want to see you again. No more meeting in the field, no more bringing food by, no more making sure I eat, nothing. I want absolutely nothing to do with you anymore.”

Luke looked angry. “Michael, you can't just do this-”

“I can, and I'm doing it right now. Goodbye, Luke.” Michael stood up, trying to hide his own tears. He sped to the door, listening to Luke's frantic movements and only hoping he could get out before Luke caught up to him. 

“Michael,” Luke spat, slamming the shorter boy against the door, “You are not leaving, not like this. I fucking love you and you're just walking out on me?” He sounded furious, and it was scaring Michael, not that he let it show. 

“You walked out on me,” and you've been forgiven, “I'm just returning the favor.” The favor is breaking your heart so you can move on and find something or someone you really deserve. 

“Michael,” Luke repeated, softer this time, “Please don't do this. Please don't do this to yourself. I'm not angry about the other night, I swear. I understand why you acted like that, but please, don't leave me.”

And Michael almost gave in. He almost cried out a 'sorry' and smashed his lips against Luke's, but he didn't. He couldn't. Michael needed to let go, he wanted to help make Luke happier, and he wouldn't be able to do that unless he was out of the picture. Michael wasn't going to be what Luke needed, so with one final push Michael escaped from Luke's grip and opened the door. 

Luke's screams sounded behind him as he headed for the stairs. His words echoed as Michael clambered down the stairs so he could run to his car and finally let his restrained tears out. 

I can't do this without you!

Please!

Michael, stop it right now!

Michael! Please!

The shouting was getting to be too much, but nothing broke Michael's heart more than the last of Luke's words. 

Fine, I don't need you anyways!

And it hurt because it was true.


	16. It's Better This Way

Michael shivered harshly as the bath water rippled, making the ice brush against his chest. His skin burned from the cold, but Michael didn't care anymore. He was back to his old self, and he had never felt more miserable. He wished he had never let himself get even the slightest bit better with Luke, it just made how Michael was feeling at the moment that much worse. 

He never should have let Luke back in. And now Michael was no better than Luke. He left. At least Luke hadn't said anything when he left, but Michael had and it left a hole in his own heart, he couldn't imagine how much Luke was hurting right now. 

Michael knew he should be thinking of himself, but he couldn't find it in him to give a fuck about himself when he was such an awful person. Luke was the only thing on his mind, and Michael deserved the pain it brought. 

Michael slid his freezing body up a bit, allowing his arm to reach down and grab the bottle of vodka resting next to the tub. He swallowed the last few gulps and carelessly dropped the empty bottle next to the last one he had finished. He was drunk off his mind, but Luke always seemed to seep into his thoughts. He couldn't get rid of him, but he only hoped Luke could forget Michael. It was best for him to move on. 

Head spinning and body aching, Michael let himself slide back into the water. His chin just touched the surface, the rest of his body submerged in the ice water. His skin was turning blue and Michael let out an empty laugh. His skin matched his mood. 

Michael was so sad. He was only twenty-six and things couldn't be any worse. He had lost Luke, then his parents, his baby, and then lost Luke again. No, he couldn't say he lost Luke again, he pushed Luke away. He wanted Luke to find love, but not his love. Michael's love would never be good enough for someone as perfect as Luke. 

Michael didn't realize he was crying until his warm tears touched the cold skin of his jaw. Michael didn't deserve to cry, only the innocent got to cry, and Michael was anything but. He had done this to himself. He deserved every ounce of pain he was feeling. And god, it was so much pain. Too much pain.

Staring at his ceiling, Michael made a quick decision. He didn't stop to think about regretting it, if it worked he wouldn't be there to regret it. 

He took one last deep breath before sliding down, completely submerging his head under the frigid water. He had his eyes closed tight, not wanting to see bare walls any longer. Something inside Michael was trying to force him above the surface, but he kept his grip tight on the edges of the tub, holding his frantic body still. 

A flash of Luke's smile appeared behind Michael's closed eyelids, calming him. Luke was beautiful, physically and in spirit. Michael wouldn't want anyone else to occupy his final thoughts. 

Letting one last smile grace his face, Michael slowly let out his remaining air. His mind was screaming, but his body was calm, and he was ready. Michael was opening his arms wide and embracing death. Things would be okay now, Luke could move on. He would never have to feel like Michael did now, he could be happy. 

Black spots danced in Michael's vision, but his mind was slowing now. All the air was out, and Michael let his chest hurt, the pain would be over soon. Michael made one last move, he opened his blue lips and let the water rush in. I love you, Luke was the last phrase that went through Michael's mind as his body went limp. He couldn't feel anything anymore and it scared him but not enough to fight his way back to the surface. 

He was letting go, and he hoped Luke would let go of him. 

Michael's body stopped moving and his mind was almost shut down, but then something was pulling him up. Frantic fingers gripped the back of his shirt, yanking him to the surface. Michael's brain wasn't registering it enough to try to stop it until he was completely out of the water and lying on the warm bathroom tiles. He still couldn't move, but he didn't need to because suddenly he was being sat up on someone's lap. 

He felt a weight on his chest and then water was spewing from his mouth. Michael choked a few times as the liquid poured, leaving him coughing and gasping. His limbs were still numb so he couldn't move, but he could certainly cry, so he did. Tears poured from his eyes, as everything hit him. 

He had almost died, and it was more terrifying because he wasn't terrified of dying. He had wanted it, he still wanted it, but now he knew that it wasn't the best option. The near-death experience seemed to have sobered him up, and he knew that he would hurt Luke with this more than just staying. At least this way Michael would be there if Luke needed him. Not that Luke was currently comfortable going to Michael, but at least he would be there if Luke was up to it. 

His chest still screaming and tears still falling, Michael looked up to see a weeping Calum. Michael was going to have to make Calum cookies some time, maybe write him a 'Thank You' card because Calum had done so much for him. And for Luke. Calum was a fantastic friend, even after Michael had been so shit to him, Calum was always around the corner waiting to help.

“What the fuck, Michael?” Calum sobbed, pulling Michael up by the front of his shirt and pulling him into a warm embrace. Only then did Michael realize how cold he really was, and how good hugs felt. No one hugged Michael anymore, he missed physical contact. Not much could beat a hug from a great friend.

“Fuck, Michael,” Calum gasped, obviously trying to calm himself down for Michael's sake, “You're freezing. I-I'll go grab some clothes. O-okay?” He wheezed. Michael nodded in response and tried to slow his own breathing. He hadn't even noticed the rapid pace, but it felt good to breathe. It reassured him that he was still alive. 

Calum came back a few minutes later and immediately got to work on stripping Michael of his wet and cold clothes. He toweled Michael's shaking body off with care, his heart still racing and bile still resting at the back of his throat. He was terrified, but so glad he had gone into Michael's house even though no one answered the door. The lights were on and that was enough for Calum. 

He had originally come to yell at Michael for breaking Luke's heart, but now he couldn't even imagine yelling at the fragile boy he was putting blue boxers on. Michael was still shaking like a leaf, and Calum was rushing to get him warm. However bad Luke was feeling, he knew that Michael was feeling much worse. Someone didn't try to drown themselves in an ice bath just for the hell of it. 

“T-thank y-you, C-Calum” Michael stuttered, his quiet voice filled to the brim with gratitude. 

“No need to thank me,” Calum started, voice still shaky, “Thank you for not dying.”

Michael chuckled a bit, but it sounded more relieved than anything. “Anytime.” The two continued to giggle together, but it sounded pained. Both knew how scared they were, but laughing was better than freaking out. Michael didn't know if he could handle anymore pressure at the moment, he was still cold and in shock. 

Calum scooped Michael into his arms and carried him to his bedroom, gently placing him on his bed and tucking him under three layers of blankets. He was trying to heat him up quickly, because maybe it was great that Michael was still alive, but having hypothermia would suck. 

“I'm going to go make you some tea, alright?” Calum spoke, already heading towards the door. Michael only nodded and watched Calum's back as he scuttled out of the room. His skin was still cold to the touch, but he was slowly getting warmer, thanks to Calum. 

The younger boy came in a few minutes later with two cups of steaming tea. Michael could smell the peppermint in the air, and gratefully took one of the mugs from Calum's hand. He blew on it before taking a sip and groaning at the taste and the warmth that rushed through his body. He fucking loved peppermint tea. 

Calum wouldn't look at Michael, but he understood why. Calum had walked in to find him drowning himself in a bathtub, Michael would be scared too. The younger had been through a lot too, but Michael had to make him promise something before he left. 

“Calum?” Michael spoke softly, catching his attention. He looked up from his blue mug and looked at Michael, still avoiding his eyes. 

“Yeah?”

“You can't tell Luke about this.” 

Calum gaped. How could he just not tell Luke that he found Michael half-dead in his bathroom? He couldn't keep this from him, they were best friends and Luke deserved to know. “Why the hell not?” He breathed, a hint of anger seeping into his tone.

Michael felt tears well in his eyes again, but he knew this was the right thing to do. “I don't want to hurt him anymore than I already have.”

And while Calum hated keeping secrets from Luke, he knew that Michael would tell him in his own time. But not right now, too much pain was being kept between Luke and Michael, and Calum wasn't going to add to that. So he looked into Michael's eyes for the first time since he had walked into his front door and spoke. 

“I won't tell him, I promise.”


	17. Not Worth The Fight

Calum yawned into the sleeve of his sweater as he walked home to his own apartment. It had been a long night, but he never considered going home and leaving Michael by himself, he didn't want to take a risk. Who knew if Michael would try something like that again.

A low grunt fell from his lips as the stairs leading up to his apartment came into view. Why did they have to live on the fourth floor with no elevator? Sighing, Calum took the first step and began treading up the long staircases. He should talk to Luke about moving soon. 

After four minutes of agonizing stair-climbing, Calum finally made it to his door. He fumbled for the key in his pocket and pressed it into the lock, opening it with a creak. The place was silent, and it sent a shiver down Calum's spine. This was strange, Luke was usually in the shower by this time, singing loudly and annoying their neighbors. 

Calum furrowed his eyebrows and trudged to Luke's room. The door was closed, but Calum was worried, so he opened it. He didn't stop to think that maybe Luke was still asleep, maybe changing, he was concerned, and he was going to check on his best friend. But when he saw Luke sitting on his floor, anger took over him. 

Luke was sitting on his carpeted floor with his bulletin board propped against the end of his bed. He was taking the pictures off one by one and burning them. A small blue lighter was in his hand, a picture of Michael and Luke in the other. He was close to setting the corner on fire when Calum finally reacted and shoved Luke over. The lighter and the picture fell to the floor as Luke looked up in shock. 

“What the hell was that for?” He gasped, rubbing at his shoulder that had hit the floor. Ashes stained the sleeves of his shirt, but he didn't care. 

Calum wanted to shove him again, but he refrained and only crossed his arms. If they were out in the open he would be too tempted to push him again, or worse. “You're really being that petty, Luke? Burning years worth of pictures because Michael said he didn't want to see you anymore?”

Luke suddenly realized how ridiculous he was being, but he didn't like being wrong. It made him feel stupid and childish. “Yeah, I am. Got a problem with that?” He snarled, his right-hand reaching down the grab at the lighter once more. 

“Yeah, I fucking do.” Calum spat back, snatching the lighter out of Luke's hand before he could react. The blond stood up to his fullest height trying to intimidate Calum, but he knew that Calum wasn't scared of him. Luke may have a few inches on him, but Calum had double his muscle. 

“Give it back,” Luke growled, trying to pull the object out of Calum's hand, “You have no right to take my things.”

“And you have no right to go and burn those pictures. You're angry, I get that, but really? You had to do this?” Calum was furious. If Luke knew what Michael had done last night, he wouldn't have burned anything. Michael had almost killed himself the night before just to make Luke happy. He had almost died because he thought it would be best for Luke. 

And it made Calum pissed. Michael had almost died and here Luke was, burning pictures of them like a teenage girl going through her first heartbreak. If Michael had succeeded last night and Calum hadn't gotten to his and Luke's apartment in time, Luke would have nothing left of him. 

Luke stayed silent as he moved back to lay on his bed, feet dangling over the side. He was a lot calmer now, but he still didn't want the pictures. They had been hanging on his wall, torturing him with the sight of Michael's beautiful face, reminding him of just how much he had lost. He was glad Calum caught him before he burned the picture of Park. It was the only one he had, and he would never forgive himself if he had burned it in a fit of rage. 

“Luke, let's talk about this, okay?” He asked softly. He wanted to make sure Luke wasn't angry at Michael anymore, the boy really had done this to help Luke. He truly thought Luke would be better off without him. 

“I don't want to.” Luke grumbled, but even he knew it was a lie. He was just tired, he couldn't sleep seeing Michael's face directly across from his bed. He was too hurt to sleep, too hurt to even cry. Luke hadn't cried over the situation yet, but he knew he would if Calum kept pressing at it. 

“Well, you have to.” Calum responded moving to sit against the door, a safe distance away from Luke. He felt bad for not leaving Luke alone, but he needed to try to reassure him that Michael wasn't an awful person, he was only doing what he thought to be best. 

Luke took a few deep breaths before starting. It was going to be a long talk. “I just, I loved him so much when we were younger, you know? Like, we were fifteen when we first started dating and everyone thought we were ridiculous. Most people didn't even believe that I was gay, but we stayed together year after year. We had each others backs for six years before I left. And then when I did, he stayed with our baby when I didn't.”

“You just wanted to go to college, Luke. There's nothing wrong with wanting an education.”

Angry tears poured from Luke's dark blue eyes. “You think he didn't?” He spat. “You think Michael didn't want to go to a university and study music? That was all he had ever wanted, for us to get married and have a family, and to study music! That's all he ever wanted and I ruined everything! I ruined his life!” 

“It's okay, Luke. I'm sure Michael has forgiven you” Calum breathed, trying to comfort Luke to the best of his abilities. 

“No he hasn't! He told me yesterday that I had ruined it all! He said he never wanted to see me again, that wasn't forgiveness, it was hatred! Calum, he hates me!” Luke sobbed, his shaking hands reaching up to tug at his messy blond locks. 

“Luke, I swear Michael does not hate you.” But Luke wasn't listening, he was trying to find a way out of this conversation. He couldn't talk about Michael anymore, it was killing him. As much as he hurt Michael, Michael was hurting him too much right now. 

“He does!” Luke growled, “And I hate him! I hate him and I wish he was dead!” Michael was always there, haunting Luke and constantly reminding him of his mistakes. 

Calum's gaze shot up from his hands, instantly locking onto Luke's nervous blue eyes. He had seen Calum's figure tense when the words flew from his mouth. He knew he didn't mean it, and Calum knew it too, but he couldn't help it as he lunged for Luke. His fist flew and knocked into Luke's cheek, leaving the blond gasping and Calum backing towards the door in shock. 

He hadn't meant to hit Luke, but he wouldn't stand for him saying something like that, especially after last night. Luke could say that he wanted Michael dead, but he wouldn't be saying that if he had been the one to find Michael. Luke didn't know what Michael had done, how severe his words were, but that didn't mean Calum was going to let him think it was okay to say shit like that.

“If I ever hear you say something like that again, I will personally beat the shit out of you, got that?” Calum spat, keeping his hands clenched. Luke didn't understand why Calum was so mad, but he nodded fiercely anyway.

Luke regretted what he had said, but it didn't keep his anger anymore. He was still pissed at Michael, the boy had acted so hurt from Luke's actions, but then he turned and did the same thing. Michael wasn't being fair and Luke was sick of it. As much as he still loved Michael, he was sick and tired of the drama.

Maybe it was best if he moved on. Maybe Michael really wasn't the one for him. Their love was strong, but that was when they were teenagers. Things change, maybe they didn't really love each other anymore. Maybe they were just holding on too strongly to old feelings. 

Maybe, Luke thought, I should try to find someone new. He knew that Michael didn't feel the same about him anymore, so yeah, he should move on. He was tired of the maybes in life. 

Luke was going to find someone other than Michael to fill the hole in his heart, and they were going to be the real love of his life. Michael was a thing of the past and Luke was set on moving on.


	18. Don't Want To Be Lonely Anymore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I don't wanna be lonely no more, I don't wanna have to pay for this" -Lonely No More by Rob Thomas

Two Months Later

Lane watched as large raindrops streamed down the car window, pooling at the bottom until the small collection over-flowed and ran down the side of the car. Michael was driving, staring only forward and staying completely silent. It had been a short but tension filled drive, and it was driving Lane insane.

She cleared her throat before speaking softly, trying to make sure she didn't set Michael off. "Are you sure you want me here, don't you want to do this alone?" Michael could see that she was fiddling with the hem of her sweater, he knew that she was uncomfortable, he needed to reassure her.

"I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want you here" He spoke, voice strained from holding back tears, "I didn't want to do this alone." Michael was tired of being alone. He had also brought Lane because he didn't trust himself anymore. It was a sad reality, but Michael was terrified that he would try to drown himself again. Or worse.

Lane only nodded in response, sighing as Michael pulled into the parking lot. The two sat in silence for a few more moments, watching the rain pour to the muddy ground. Lane was glad she brought her coat, and Michael was thankful to be wearing his boots rather than his usual converse.

The rain matched the mood of the day, sad and gloomy. The sky was gray, and as much as Michael hated the color, he was glad it wasn't sunny and bright. It wasn't a good day, and nice weather would only make Michael more upset.

Michael turned and gave Lane a look, and she nodded to show she understood. They climbed out of the car and met in the front. Lane hesitated for a moment before deciding fuck it and took Michael's hand into her own. The action was a sign of support, and Michael immediately relaxed a bit. It was nice to have someone there with him, he didn't think he would be able to do it alone.

Michael led Lane up the path on the hill, his pace slow and hesitant. The flowers in his hand were drooping from the cold, but there wasn't much he could do about it. He had forgotten an umbrella, but it didn't matter. The rain left him chilled to the bone, and the frigid air was the only thing keeping him together. The sharp sting of the rain kept him going, motivated him with the pain.

They didn't stop walking until they reached a spot on the top of the hill. There was large headstone surrounded by lilac bushes. There were no flowers on the grave, no one else came but Michael, and it made it look more lifeless. Michael leaned down to put the droopy flowers he had bought to rest against the stone base. He glanced up at the words, heart wrenching in his hollow chest.

Park Clifford-Hemmings  
Born August 6, 2012  
Died November 12, 2016  
An angel born by love, with love, for love.

Tears gushed from Michael's eyes as he read the line he had written in a moment of despair. By love: Luke and Michael had loved each other, Park was made because of their love. With love: Park was one of the most loving kids ever born, he loved everyone and everything. For love: Michael wasn't quite sure what had inspired him to add this. He figured that maybe one day he would find out, and he couldn't help but leave it in.

Park had been Michael's entire world when Luke left, nothing hurt worse than knowing he was six feet in the earth. His baby had been dead for a year today, and Michael could barely keep himself together. The only thing keeping him from screaming was the thought that maybe Park was watching over him, and he would never want to see his daddy cry.

Michael had never believed in an afterlife until his baby died. Then he hoped and prayed that Park was in a better place, a happy place. A place where he wasn't in pain. A place where he could never get sick. A place where he didn't have to watch Michael fall apart when he woke up every morning.

Maybe it was best that Park had died so young, as awful as that sounded, at least he didn't understand the true horrors of the world. Michael never wanted Park to see the world from his point of view, it was dark and scary, and all Michael wanted was Park to love life.

Michael didn't realize he was on his knees until he felt the cold water harvesting on the ground begin to seep into the knees of his jeans. It was freezing and dirty, but it didn't stop Michael as he collapsed in a head onto the space directly in front of Park's headstone.

Lane watched with despair as Michael broke down. She felt unbelievably bad for him, but she couldn't understand his pain. She had never gone through anything like this, but she promised herself that she was going to be with Michael through it. He would do the same for her.

Paying no mind to the water pooling below, Lane sunk to her knees and pulled Michael into her chest. He slammed his face into the front of her coat and his fingers gripped the back. Loud and angry sobs tore their way from his sore throat, filling Lane's ears with sounds of pure agony. This was killing her, she couldn't even begin to imagine how much it hurt for him.

"I miss him so much," Michael wailed, "Why did it have to be him?" It had been thirty long minutes of non-stop crying, but Michael was finally running out of tears. His throat was killing him, his eyes stung like hell, and his clothes were soaked from the rain, but Michael still didn't want to leave.

Lane rubbed his back comfortingly, Michael still pressed to her chest. He was so glad she had come, it was nice to have a friend. Calum had kept in contact with him for a few weeks after he found Michael in the bathtub, but two weeks ago he stopped dropping by Michael's house. He stopped calling and answering calls, and it hurt Michael a lot. He figured Calum just wanted to make sure he didn't kill himself, but after Michael hadn't tried anything again he decided he didn't need to help him anymore.

Michael had grown fairly closer to Lane since that time as he started spending nearly all his time at the cafe to avoid going home. He couldn't use his own bathroom anymore, he had to use the guest. Every step he took into his house scared him a little more, he was terrified that he had almost died in the lonely place.

Lane didn't seem to mind Michael's company though, she often joked that he should just take up a position since he spent so much time there. Michael had honestly considered it, it would keep him out of the house and it would bring in some extra money. The only reason he hadn't applied was because he was worried he would annoy Lane and she wouldn't want to talk to him anymore. He couldn't afford to lose anyone else.

"I know you miss him, Michael, I really do. But don't you think he wants you to be happy? Don't you think he wants you to move on?" Lane asked, her right-hand beginning to pat at Michael's wet hair. Sobs turned into sniffles as Michael tried hardest to calm himself down.

"You really think so?" He whimpered, unable to keep the vulnerability out of his shaky voice.

"I know so. Park would want nothing more than you to be happy." Lane's voice sounded softly in Michael's ears. Only then did he realize that the rain had stopped, there was no longer the pitter-patter of it falling against the earth.

"How am I meant to move on?" Michael asked, not an ounce of rudeness in his voice, "How I am meant to be happy when I've lost everything?"

Lane pulled Michael's face up to her own and gave him a soft smile. "By trying your hardest to make things right. By finding the things you've lost."

And in an instant Michael knew what Park would want for him. Park would want him to be happy. To be skipping his way through life with a song in his heart, not constantly overthinking the past. Michael needed to look forward. Park would want nothing more than Michael to be happy, and nothing had ever made Michael more happy than Park himself, and Luke.

And though Park and Luke had never gotten the chance to meet, Michael knew that Park would want him to be with Luke, to be together until the end. Michael had made his mind up. Michael was going to find Luke and love him, because that's what Park would want. Michael was tired of looking to the past, it was time to start looking towards the future.

A future with Luke was all he could see, and he wouldn't let him slip through his fingers ever again.


	19. I'm Not Your Someone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Someone will love you, but someone isn't me"- Sorry by Halsey

“Does Luke like Oreos?” Lane asked, watching Michael slip two packages into the metal cart he was pushing down the aisle.

“No, but I do.” Michael grinned, his smile only growing as Lane let out a giggle. Not only was Michael feeling good, but Lane seemed to be smiling a lot more than she usually did too. They had a fun night filled with movies and a pillow fort in the living room. Lane had cooked them dinner and helped Michael to choke a normal-sized serving down.

They had talked things over and come up with a plan. Michael was going to get Luke back. He was going to apologize for everything he had done, he was going to tell Luke he still loved him, and then he was going to kiss the hell out of him. Having Luke back for the short time made Michael realize how much he had truly missed him, and he wasn't going to give him up again. Michael was tired of running away.

Michael had pulled Lane out of bed at eight to go to the store to pick up a few things in preparation for Project Luke. She hadn't been pleased with getting out of bed before noon, but the pure excitement on Michael's face was enough to get her moving. It was nice to see Michael smiling.

The two friends chatted as they roamed down the aisles of Target in search of the necessary supplies. They were nearly done with the list when Michael saw a flash of familiar brown hair. Michael took a second look, seeing the blue and black flannel and immediately knowing that it was Calum.

Calum still hadn't responded to any of Michael's texts or calls in two weeks, but Michael figured he could at least ask him why. It was strange of Calum to ignore Michael, and the older was worried that their friendship was too much for Calum. Michael was a lot to handle, he knew that, but Calum's behavior was still odd and Michael was going to get to the bottom of it.

“One minute,” Michael told Lane, walking down the aisle quickly in hopes of reaching Calum. The brunette still hadn't noticed Michael, so he jumped a bit when the older boys hand landed softly on his shoulder. Calum looked around with a confused expression coating his face, until his eyes met Michael's and his stomach dropped. He couldn't believe this was happening.

“Hey, Calum,” Michael chirped, “What's up? I haven't seen you in a few weeks, I've missed hanging out with you.” Michael sounded so genuine and it made Calum want to run. Yeah, he missed Michael a lot, but now was not the time to run into him.

“Hey,” Calum responded simply, trying to keep a strong composure. “Sorry, I've just been really busy lately. And I'm really sorry, but I'm really busy right now, so I've got to go.” He spun around, ignoring the hurt that flashed through Michael's green eyes. He hated having to do this, but it would hurt Michael so much less in the long run.

“Wait!” Michael squeaked, frantically gripping at Calum's flannel. Why was Calum acting so weird? “I just wanted to talk for a minute! I've missed you, you haven't been answering me. Am I took much? I'm really sorry if I am, I can try harder.”

Calum felt his heart clench because that wasn't it all, but he really needed to get out of there before-

“Calum?” A voice asked behind Michael, making the small blond boy whip around in shock. Fuck was the only word running through Calum's head as he watched Michael turn around.

There Luke was, standing tall with another hand entwined in his own. A hand that wasn't Michael's.

Michael felt his heart drop to his stomach, applying a certain pressure that made him want to throw up. Bile rose to his throat as he watched the beautiful boy holding Luke's hand turn to look at him with a confused expression. He had no clue who this boy with perfect golden hair was, but he hated him.

He hated that this boy was closer to Luke's height, in a way where Luke wouldn't have to lean down so far like he used to do with Michael. He hated that he had lovely curls the perfect shade of blond. Michael hated that he had beautiful tan skin, whereas his own was sickly pale. He hated that the boy stood so close to Luke had the most amazing hazel eyes that held so much joy, unlike Michael's pale and empty green eyes.

But Michael hated more than anything that this person looked so much better next to Luke than he did. No wonder Luke had picked someone nearly the complete opposite of him, they looked like they were made for each other. This man was everything Michael wasn't, glowing and healthy.

Tears welled in his eyes as Michael dropped his hand from Calum's shoulder down to play with the sleeves of his sweater. Nothing had hurt worse than this, he had finally been ready to get back together with Luke only to find out that he had already moved on. He had already found someone else to love, someone better than Michael.

Luke didn't need Michael anymore. He could live without Michael, but Michael felt like he was dying. His heart was trying to pound its way out of his chest, while his head was focusing on not letting the tears fall.

He wasn't going to embarrass himself anymore, not in front of Luke and his new lover.

“Oh, Michael.” Luke spoke quietly, obviously trying to break the silence that had fallen over the group. Guilt flooded through his veins, he hadn't meant for Michael to see him with Ashton. He didn't want to hurt Michael's feelings anymore, especially by letting him see that he had found someone new.

Michael stayed quiet for another moment, before turning his gaze up to stare at the spot behind Luke's head. He plastered a fake smile on his lips in hopes of hiding how much he was hurting, he didn't want Luke nor his partner to see his pain.

“Hey,” He spoke sweetly, “How are you?”

Luke couldn't even look Michael in the eyes. “Fine, you?”

“I'm great, actually,” Michael lied, his fingernails scratching at his wrists whilst he tried to calm himself down.

Another silence fell, the tension doubling as Michael felt more and more trapped. He had to get out of there, he couldn't see Luke with someone that wasn't him any longer.

“Well, I've really got to get going, but it was nice seeing you,” Michael breathed, his throat closing up rapidly, “Bye, Luke.”

Michael stuffed his shaking hands into the pockets of his sweater before turning on his heel. He would text Lane when he got outside, he couldn't stay in the store for another minute. He didn't want to cry in front of so many people.

Michael felt heard footsteps behind him as he made his way towards the front doors, but he ignored them. It was either Luke or Calum, and Michael couldn't handle speaking to either at the moment. He made it out the doors just before a hand on his shoulder spun him around. Michael kept his gaze glued to the ground at his feet.

“Michael, please.” Luke begged, trying to get Michael to just look at him.

“Luke, don't.” Michael responded in the same pleading tone. He didn't want to have this conversation. He understood, he was too much to handle and Luke had gotten sick of him. It was bound to happen at some point, Michael just wished it hadn't been so soon.

“Michael, I'm truly-” Luke whispered, but Michael cut him off with a small wave of his hand.

“You don't need to apologize, I get it. It's okay.” Michael couldn't believe he sounded so calm, he was screaming on the inside.

“But it's not-” Luke tried again but Michael finally looked up, and the second their eyes met Luke couldn't form words.

“It really is. I'm happy for you Luke, I really am,” Michael smiled, his heart breaking more every second. He was happy for Luke, in a way, he just wished it was him making Luke happy.

Luke only stayed quiet. He never meant for this to happen. He didn't think it would hurt this much, seeing Michael's heart breaking in front of him. It was a truly painful sight, and Luke didn't think he couldn't take much more of this. He like Ashton, he really did, but he still loved Michael.

Luke would pick Michael over Ashton any day, but it seemed as if Michael had already given up. Luke needed to walk away before he hurt Michael anymore. He needed to end it once and for all, to cut off everything with Michael so their pain wouldn't be prolonged any longer.

“You'll find someone too, Michael,” Luke spoke, watching with regret as tears finally fell from Michael's eyes, “Someone will love you, but it can't be me. That someone isn't me.”

And with that Luke headed back to Ashton with a heavy heart, all while Michael's was breaking inside his hollow chest. It was over.

They were over, and neither had ever felt worse.


	20. Save Me From Myself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Who will fix me now, dive in when I'm down? Save me from myself, don't let me drown"- Drown by Bring Me The Horizon

Michael stared at the white baseboard surrounding his living room with a pillow clutched tightly to his chest. His right side ached, but he made no movement to change the position he had been frozen in for hours. His arm and leg were numb, and his neck hurt from being held in such an awkward manner, but Michael wasn't really feeling much of anything.

He couldn't even bring himself to cry over Luke anymore. Of course he had wanted Luke to move on, but Michael never expected to be replaced so quickly. He wasn't even close to getting over Luke, but it seemed as though Luke had already forgotten about him. He didn't even shed a tear at the store, he looked so happy with his new partner, did Michael really mean that little to him?

It seemed like it, and Michael was falling apart bit by bit.

Luke was over him

Luke was sick of putting up with him.

Luke was tired of loving him.

Luke was loving someone else.

All of Michael's fears had come true. Luke didn't need him anymore. Luke didn't need Michael to help him feel okay, he didn't need Michael's love to keep him going. Luke didn't want him anymore. Not only did he not need him, he could survive without him, but he didn't want him. There was a difference between 'needing' and 'wanting' and Michael was neither of the options.

The brokenhearted man heard his front door opening behind him, but he couldn't bring himself to look up at the intruder. If it was a robber, Michael had nothing to give. If it was a murderer, so be it. Michael couldn't care less.

A sudden hand on his shoulder, though, made Michael jump, wincing harshly at the unexpected contact. He shifted his gaze until his eyes found a sullen looking Calum crouching behind him. Michael turned back around not wanting to see the pity clouding his chocolate eyes. Pity made Michael sick.

Calum had the chance to tell him about Luke, but he didn't. He let Michael believe that everything was okay, so he had to find out for himself that Luke had found someone new. Calum never warned Michael, and it hurt knowing that Calum was more concerned about Michael being mad at him than Michael hurting.

“Sorry for barging in,” Calum spoke weakly, “I got worried when you didn't answer the door.” He didn't even hear him knock.

“What,” Michael's voice came out thick and rough, “You thought I was going to drown myself again? No point in that, I fucked up the first time.”

Tears welled in Calum's eyes. Michael sounded so defeated and it was his fault. He should have told Michael about Ashton. He had the right to know that Luke was dating someone else, but Calum didn't have the heart to tell him that their love was over. Michael was already bad enough, telling him Luke had moved on wouldn't fix anything.

Calum had already found him half dead once, he didn't want to find him like that again. Or worse.

“How did they meet?” Michael whispered, throat tight as he brought his hands closer to his chest. He still hadn't moved from his spot on the floor, and Calum made no move to make him.

Calum sighed deeply, dropping to sit on his knees next to Michael. He didn't want to talk about any of this, but he knew Michael needed to know. Michael needed closure, he had to move on just like he had told Luke to do because Luke really wasn't there for him anymore. A future with Luke was no longer an option and Michael had to understand that.

“They met three weeks ago at a bar. Luke had gone out drinking, got Ashton's number at some point, but he didn't call him right away. It took a week but one afternoon he just showed up with him at the apartment, and they've been dating ever since. I think it was you holding him back from calling him right away.”

Tears finally leaked from Michael's eyes and a shaky laugh sounded from his throat. “Yeah,” he croaked, “That's really comforting, thanks, Calum.”

“I didn't mean it in a bad way-” Calum tried, letting his eyes go to his hands as Michael spoke over him.

“It's fine,” Michael smiled weakly, “I'm glad he found Ashton.”

“No, you're not.”

The smile slipped off Michael's heated face, Calum could see right through him. “I guess, but there's nothing I can do about it anymore. He's not mine, I'm not his, I'm not a part of his life anymore. At least he found someone that makes him happy. It's all I ever wanted for him.”

Every word was true. Michael wanted Luke to find someone that would make him happy, it just hurt that it wasn't him. Michael had wanted to spend everyday loving Luke, and things had changed, but Michael would never change his mind.

Michael would never stop loving Luke. Michael would never get over him, would never stop wanting to be with him in the best way. Michael's ideal life was living with and loving Luke, raising their Park and growing old together. Everything could have been perfect, but luck was never on his side.

Park was dead, and Luke had someone new. Michael didn't know what to do anymore, but he was sick of nothing turning out the way he wanted it to. He just wanted to be happy, was that too much to ask? It seemed like it.

“Can you spend the night?” Michael whispered, flitting his eyes up to look at a shocked Calum. “I don't want to be alone.”

“Of course,” Calum assured, “Do you want me to invite Lane over too? We can throw ourselves a pity party and watch sad movies.” Michael nodded. He wanted to cry everything out, and he was so damn sick of being alone. Lane and Calum were the only people he had left, he wasn't going to pass up a night with both of them.

Lane showed up an hour later, bags weighing both of her arms down. She took one look at Michael's sad green eyes and dropped everything, rushing to his side and taking him into her arms. Michael melted into the touch and wrapped his arms around her wide hips, burying his face in her chest. Her heartbeat pounded in his ears, and he never wanted to let go.

Lane felt like a mother to him, and Michael could never thank her enough. He hadn't had a mom for years, but Lane was a lovely replacement.

“It's going to be okay,” Lane promised in a low voice, “You're going to be okay.”

And it felt like it that night as the three cuddled on the couch together, limbs tangled and boxes of oreos scattered across the floor. Michael still felt like shit, but a little warmth had seeped back into his freezing soul, and he was content. Maybe his friends would be enough to get him through this life.

Lane's words floated through his mind just as he was drifting off, letting a sense of peace cloud his heart.

You're going to be okay.

And maybe he would.


	21. You Look Happier And I'm Happy For You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Ain't nobody hurt you like I hurt you, but ain't nobody love you like I do, promise that I will not take it personal baby if you're moving on with someone new. Cause baby you look happier, you do, my friends told me one day I'll feel it too, and until then I'll smile to hide the truth, but I know I was happier with you"- Happier by Ed Sheeran

Fresh air filled Michael's lungs for the first time in days as he sat on a hard park bench, Lane by his side. It had been a hard few days, Michael didn't think he had stopped crying until Lane told him they were going out, but he was slowly getting better.

Fixing himself and coming to terms with Luke being gone would take a long time, but for once Michael was up for the task. He was ready to clear his aching mind, to mend his hurt and hateful soul. Michael was going to get better, no matter how long it took or how hard it would be. And having two best friends there and willing to help was already a big start.

Lane was practically living with Michael by this point. She wasn't hounding Michael and making sure he wasn't doing anything he shouldn't be, she was fully aware that he was a grown man, that he could take care of himself, but she wanted to be there just in case Michael needed her. Lane had demons of her own and helping Michael was helping herself. She wanted to be there with him, to be a shoulder to lean on, to cry on, and she knew he would do the same for her.

"How are you feeling, Mike?" She asked, her fingers twitching around her cup that was exhuming the strong smell of coffee into the frigid air. She thought that after working at a cafe for so long and smelling coffee all day she would get sick of it, but she still was an addict. Coffee was one of her favorite things in the world, and she was thankful for the cool weather so she could have a hot drink to warm her up.

Michael shrugged, wincing at the light ache in his shoulder. The two had been camping out on the living room floor the past few nights, and it was taking a toll on his muscles. "I'm alright, I guess," he breathed out, "Not too bad considering everything."

Lane smiled a bit. Alright was better than nothing, things could only get better from here. She was really proud of Michael, he was making an effort and that was enough. He didn't need a drastic change to get better, he just had to continue making little changes and attempts and one day he would be okay.

There would be a day when he could wake up and not want to go straight back to bed in hopes of keeping his thoughts at bay. One day he would be able to keep from wincing when kids were mentioned. The name Luke would no longer haunt him dreams, and he would be able to look back on their time together as something precious, something that shaped him into the person he would one day be.

The process had already begun. Michael was waking up each morning and showering, getting himself ready for the day. Even if he didn't leave the house, he was taking care of his body and that was a major improvement. He always ate the breakfast Lane made him, and he was able to see the change. He was filling out in certain places, his cheekbones weren't as horribly prominent as they had been, and his ribs were becoming less and less visible. Within a few months he hoped to be back at a healthy weight.

Michael looked over at Lane to see her smiling, her grin etching it's way into his mind and leaving him with a smile of his own. Lane's joy was contagious, and Michael couldn't help but feel happy for her. A small ding sounded out and Michael watched as Lane looked down at her phone with a blush. He smirked scooting a little closer to her on the bench and chuckling as she tried to hide her phone from view.

"Who's that?" He asked slyly. He already knew who it was, he just wanted to hear it from her.

"No one," Lane replied, her cheeks still a cherry red shade, "Just a friend."

"It is, though?" Michael said, quickly snatching her phone away from her unsuspecting hand. A gasp fell from her mouth as she tried to pry it out of Michael's hand, but the damage was already done and Michael was already giggling.

From Calum:

Hey beautiful, would you like to go out tomorrow? I have two tickets to Spiderman calling our names ;-)

"Really?" Michael snorted, "Spiderman? How romantic."

Lane huffed as she finally managed to take her phone back from Michael's thieving hands. Her blush was still heavy on her chubby cheeks as she tried to defend Calum. "Fuck you, I happen to love Marvel."

Michael let out a loud laugh, surprising Lane and himself by how genuine it sounded. The noise made a giggle erupt from Lane's throat and it only spurred the two on. They laughed for what seemed like hours, tears pouring down their cheeks from the intensity.

After a good five minutes they finally began to settle down, grins still covering their red faces. And yeah, Michael was feeling pretty damn good. He hadn't been this happy in years, it felt nice to laugh himself sick. Lane scooted closer to Michael and put her head on his small shoulder. Michael continued to take small sips of his hot chocolate, enjoying the cold breeze running through his hair, chilling his skin despite the thick sweater adorning his chest.

All was quiet and peaceful until Michael caught a glimpse of blond hair across the park. Luke was smiling as Ashton seemed to be telling a story, moving his hands around theatrically. He looked painfully happy and it was making a bit of sadness seep back into Michael's bones. Lane seemed to notice the couple only a few seconds after Michael, and she immediately sat up and grabbed Michael's hands.

"Hey, we should go-" but Michael was quick to cut her off.

"It's fine, really," he sighed, "I'm okay." Lane wasn't sure whether to believe him or not, but she put her trust in him and relaxed her body against the back of the bench once more. She looked at Michael from the corner of her eye and caught a longing expression resting on his face.

The longing soon turned to panic and Lane turned to see Luke and Ashton coming closer. It was an accident, they didn't even seem to notice that the two were there, but they were still getting closer and Lane could feel Michael tensing up every step closer.

Michael's eyes caught Luke's too late, he could no longer turn around without saying anything. The smile had dropped from the youngers face, and Ashton's fell too as his gaze fixated on Michael, seemingly recognizing him from the grocery store only a few days prior.

Luke gripped Ashton's hand tighter, and they approached the bench Michael and Lane were sat on. Michael was avoiding his gaze at all costs, but Lane knew she had to try to break the tension. She stood up and let go of Michael's hand, reaching out to shake Luke's.

"Hello," she spoke sweetly, "I'm Lane. You must be Luke, I've heard a lot about you." Not good things Luke thought.

"It's nice to meet you," he responded politely, "You must be the girl Calum's infatuated with. He won't shut up about you, really, he honestly can't help it."

Lane looked mortified, did Calum really talk about her that much? She was beyond embarrassed, and the fact that she had to hear about it from Luke made it ten times worse. She had never even met him, and it was all too awkward.

"Well, sorry about that, I guess." She mumbled, tucking her hands into the sleeves of her sweater.

"It's fine," Luke assured, "It's nice to see him happy."

A silence fell over the four until Ashton spoke up, making Luke want to scream. "Hi," he spoke, facing Michael who had only just stood up, "I'm Ashton. What's your name?"

Michael was shocked. Luke hadn't told Ashton who he was? He couldn't decide if that was a good thing or a bad thing, but he knew for sure that Luke hadn't wanted them to ever meet. He could feel the panic radiating off of Luke.

"My name's Michael." He whispered, shocked at how quiet his voice was. He was terrified, he could feel tears coming on from being so close to Luke and his new lover. But Ashton only smiled warmly, slightly calming Michael's nerves. At least Luke had found someone nice.

"Well," Lane began, hoping to get away from the tension clouding the air, "I think it's best if Michael and I get going, we have a few things to take care of and-"

"Wait!" Luke rushed, letting go of Ashton's hand to grab onto the sleeve of Michael's dark gray sweater. The three looked shocked, but Luke paid them no mind as he started to pull Michael to a spot away from Lane and Ashton. "I just need to talk to him for a minute, we'll be right back." Lane looked hesitant to let it happen, but one reassuring look from Michael, and she decided it was fine.

Once they were out of hearing distance, Luke placed Michael in front of him, his heart aching as Michael couldn't even look him in the eyes. God, he just couldn't seem to catch a break. Of course he had to run into Michael with Ashton again.

"Look, Michael, I get that you're upset but at least look at-"

"I'm not upset." Michael cut in, voice still only above a whisper.

"Michael, please, I-"

Michael let out a shaky breath, reaching up and wiping at his damp eyes with his sleeve. "Luke, stop. I am happy for you, I'm not lying. I'm really glad you found him, he seems really nice and you guys seem to get along really well. You look a lot happier with him and I'm okay with that."

Luke looked conflicted. Was Michael saying this just to make him feel better or did he truly mean it? Michael wasn't even sure of the answer, but that didn't stop him from trying to comfort Luke.

"You guys are cute together," he spoke again. Tears were still leaking from his eyes, but he felt okay. It was true, Ashton did seem to make Luke happy, and they were a cute couple. Michael may have missed Luke with his everything, but seeing Luke smiling made it okay. Luke was happy with Ashton and that was enough for Michael.

"Michael, you don't have to-" Luke breathed, but Michael stood up on his toes and stretched until his lips brushed against Luke's cool cheek softly. He stood back as a heavy blush bloomed across Luke's face, confusion clouding his cerulean eyes.

"Goodbye, Luke." Michael whispered, giving the blond one last small smile before walking back to Lane and taking her hand. They walked away without another word, leaving a crying Luke and a confused Ashton standing in their wake.

"You know what, Mike?" Lane asked as they stepped up to the door of the house. It had been ten minutes of walking in silence, and she couldn't bare another second of it. "You're a really great person, and one day you'll find someone too. Luke found happiness and you will too, you deserve it."

"Thanks, but Luke was the only one for me," Michael flashed her a sad smile, "And there are better people, believe me."

Lane scoffed. "Michael Gordon Clifford, it takes a lot to do what you just did, to say what you just said. That was the most self-less thing I've ever experienced, and if you don't think you're deserving of some happiness then no one is." She grabbed Michael's other hand before spinning him around, stopping him from unlocking the front door.

"You are a good person, Michael, whether you believe it or not. You will find someone, and you will be happy, I swear to you."

And yeah, it made Michael feel a hell of a lot better. The two stepped hand in hand into the house, a new light building up inside Michael and filling him with a new hope for a better life.


	22. No One Breaks My Heart Like You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Could've got the same rush from any lovers touch, but why get used to something new? No one breaks my heart like you" -Pool by Paramore

Luke knew something was wrong the minute he opened his apartment door to reveal Ashton, whose shoulders were a little more slumped than Luke would have ever wanted. He knew something was off the second Ashton gave him a weak smile and asked to be let in. Ashton never had to ask to come in, and hearing him do so set off a panic alarm in Luke's mind.

The way Ashton sat up straight on the couch only made it worse, he was always relaxed around Luke. The tension was undeniable, and Luke was scared. He couldn't begin to imagine what was wrong, couldn't recall anything to mind that would have made Ashton seem this uncomfortable. Luke was lost and Ashton look tired.

His curly locks were messy and unbrushed. His face was slightly drained of his usual tanned skin, leaving behind a pasty color that made Luke worry. Ashton had dark circles under his eyes as though he hadn't slept in days, and it was leaving Luke at a loss. What happened?

A quiet sigh tore Luke's gaze away from examining Ashton as the older boy brought his hands up to his eyes and rubbed them with his fists. He looked so tired, but Luke had just seen him yesterday looking as healthy and refreshed as ever. He must have had a long night Luke decided.

"Luke," Ashton started in a slow voice, "I was up all night thinking, and while I was thinking I made a decision."

"And what would that be, love?" Luke asked sweetly, trying to get Ashton to smile. When he didn't, Luke frowned. Ashton loved to be called pet names.

"I saw the way Michael looked at you yesterday," Ashton began, nervously playing with the sleeves of his sweater, "Who is he to you? He seemed pretty upset with you." Ashton wasn't trying to be nosy, but he needed to know.

Luke automatically stiffened, his body going rigid at the thought of having to explain to Ashton who Michael was to him. Michael had been Luke's everything. His first kiss, his first boyfriend, his first love, hell, they had had a child together. Luke couldn't just tell all that to Ashton, it was too much and Ash would leave him.

Luke couldn't handle another heartbreak, not right now while he was still struggling to get over Michael.

"Just an old friend, really," Luke spoke firmly, swallowing the lump in his throat, "Why?"

Ashton breathed out slowly, tilting his head to look Luke right in his concerned and guilty blue eyes. "Luke, I know who Michael is. I just wanted to hear the truth from you."

Luke felt his stomach drop. Now he wished he had just told him the truth, lying about it made everything worse. Ashton already knew it all, he only wanted Luke to be honest with him and Luke had failed.

"Listen, I-"

"I think we should break up."

Luke was in shock. Where did all of this come from? They had been fine just yesterday, smiling and laughing, nearly in love. Michael was a thing of the past, why was he still affecting so much of Luke's future?

"Ashton, I'm sorry I never told you about him, but we're over and-"

Ashton let a sad smile grace his lips, and he held a hand up to silence Luke. "That's the thing, though, I don't think you want it to be over. The way you looked at him yesterday... it was something special. You've never looked at me that way. And when you started crying, I just new. You're not over him. You probably never will be, and I like you a lot but I don't want to be with someone who will always be in love with someone else. I think I deserve better than that."

"You do, absolutely, but-"

Ashton leaned forward and pressed one final kiss to Luke's chapped lips before standing up and towering over him. He would miss Luke a lot, but Ashton was sure Michael was missing him a lot more. Ashton couldn't just get in their way, he wasn't that kind of person. He knew he would find someone else, Luke and Michael needed each other, and he understood that.

Ashton took a long look at the tears dripping down Luke's red face. He never wanted to hurt Luke, but sometimes the best things came from a little bit of pain.

"You love him," Ashton spoke firmly, hand already on the doorknob, "You love him with everything you have and don't you dare let him go." And then he was gone, only the tear stains residing on Luke's face as proof that he had been there.

Luke spent only a few minutes wiping his tears before he was rushing to grab his jacket. Slipping on his shoes, Luke ran out the door and down the stairs. Rain was falling heavily as he sprinted down the street, his heart leading him to Michael. Luke's lungs were screaming and his legs were aching, but he was running to his someone, and he wouldn't let anything get in his way ever again.

Michael had given him his love and Luke wasn't going to let it waste away for another second. He was getting Michael back, because love was about taking chances and finding each other, and that's exactly what they were doing.

Ten minutes later and Luke was stood in front of Michael's front door. He raised a soaked fist into the air and knocked loudly. He was worried Michael wouldn't hear him over the thunder, but all the worry went away as the doorknob twisted.

And suddenly Luke didn't feel the rain anymore. All he could feel was love the moment his eyes stuck on a grungy Michael. Luke wanted to kiss him until their lips were numb, he wanted to cuddle Michael until he fell asleep. He wanted to spend forever with Michael, messy hair, sweatpants and all. Luke wanted to be there until Michael was happy and forever after that.

"Luke," Michael whispered in shock, he was the last person he expected to be on the other side of his door, "What are you-"

Then Luke's lips were on his, large hands over small shoulders with the wind blowing harshly against their frames. Luke nearly had to hold Michael up as he melted into the embrace. Michael craved affection, nothing was better than this. Luke had missed this, and he never wanted to miss it again.

The two pulled away, both blushing and panting loudly. Michael was still inside and Luke was still on the doorstep. He watched as Michael seemed to come to his senses, wanting to kiss him again, and he slowly brought his fingers up to brush the spot where Luke's lips had just been.

A smile bloomed on his face, and Luke thought he looked lovely. He couldn't believe he had ever wanted to move on, but pain could do that to people. Pain could twist things, make you want to forget and restart.

"Michael," Luke whimpered, taking small step towards the small boy, "Can I come home?" Michael's smile never faltered as he lurched forward to hug his lover.

"Always."


	23. If You Can Love Me Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I guess I was running from something, I was running back to you....If you can love me again, I can let go of everything" -Outer Space/Carry On by 5 Seconds of Summer

Michael was shaking as Luke sat down at the dining room table across from him. He had let his nerves get the best of him, now all hope of not breaking down during some point of the night had gone down the drain. A tea cup sliding across the wood towards him pulled Michael out of his thoughts and forced him to look up and meet Luke's gaze.

Luke was examining him, Michael could tell from the years of watching Luke write and analyze music. Luke's songs were an art, Michael could never compare. He was a mess, a walking disaster. Michael still wasn't sure why Luke had picked him over a perfect person like Ashton.

“I made peppermint tea, I remembered it's your favorite,” Luke spoke softly, trying yet failing to ease the heavy tension. It's also the only tea I have Michael thought to himself. At least Luke had remembered.

Michael reached his cold hands out of his long sweater sleeves to shakily grab his warm mug. He ignored the tingle that had taken over his lips the moment Luke had kissed him and carefully took a sip of the steaming liquid. Perfect.

A soft sigh caught Michael's attention, and he raised his gaze to meet Luke's once more. Luke's daring blue eyes studied Michael's small body shamelessly. The attention was making Michael uncomfortable but before he could say a word to the blond, he was already speaking.

“You're looking a lot better,” Luke said politely, “It's good to see you've gained some weight.” Something about Luke's words lit a fire in the pit of Michael's stomach. It was Luke's fault he had become that bad, and now here he was sounding like a damn therapist. Michael didn't need a therapist, he needed Luke. But Luke was there sitting at his dining room table, so Michael decided to let it slide.

They were too quick to get mad at each other, that was the root of a lot of their problems. Getting mad at simple things wasn't going to get them any closer to fixing it all.

“You're not looking too bad yourself,” Michael settled with, trying to diminish all of his hidden anger. Luke was here to fix things and Michael had to help. This wasn't a one sided conflict, both had done wrong and now both were ready to say fuck it. They needed each other. They wanted each other.

Another silence settled over them, but this time Luke stretched his hand out to take Michael's. They were holding hands in their home, and it was almost too much for Michael to take in.

Luke was back. Luke still loved him, Luke was no longer holding anyone else, Luke was his. He was back and he was Michael's once more, that was all that mattered. Michael was sick of living in the past, and Luke was his future. Making things right was all that mattered.

“Luke,” Michael started, surprising the younger, “I have no clue how to start this, how to apologize, but before anything else is said, I want to tell you that I love you. I still do and I never stopped. And I know I'm not perfect and I have a lot of baggage, but I need you to understand that I am still in love with you and I always will be. Even after everything you've done, I still want to be with you.”

Michael took a deep breath and wiped his damp eyes before finishing. “And I think that- that, if you could love me again, I could let go of everything.”

There was a long pause as Luke let out a sob, but the impact of Michael's words hit him like a brick wall and suddenly he was lurching forward. Trapping Michael's face between his hands, Luke pressed frantic kisses to his forehead. I love you he whispered over and over again.

Michael was an angel. Michael fucking Clifford was a fucking angel, and Luke was so in love. And he was going to love him until the day he died, Luke was sure of it.

“I know I've done you wrong in so many ways,” Luke whimpered, his frame still stretched across the table and his head now resting on top of Michael's, “And I know that there is no way to completely take back what I've done, but I swear to god that I will do everything in my power to make it okay again. To make you okay again. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you while you were raising Park, and I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when he died.”

Luke was fully sobbing now, but he needed to finish. A light kiss was pressed to the top of Michael's head in apology. “But I'm ready to spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you. I love you, Michael, and I always will.”

And the tears poured for hours. At one point they had moved to Michael's bed, their bed, and they held each other while they cried out wholehearted apologies. They kept each other together because that's what lovers were supposed to do.

Love was about making mistakes and being able to look past them. Love was about being in pain just to understand and help your partners pain. Love was about loss, and Michael and Luke had lost everything just to find each other.

Love was disgusting, and painful, and heartbreaking, but nonetheless it was beautiful.

Michael and Luke fell asleep in each others arms that night, dried tears clinging to their flushed cheeks. They held each other closely, forgiveness in their heads and love in their hearts. A new kind of love that was bound to last forever. 

THE END


End file.
